Find it impossible to rein in your temper? Julie Penfold looks at positive ways to control yourself when you see red
Find it impossible to rein in your temper? Julie Penfold looks at positive ways to control yourself when you see redbig implications on our health. With so much to cope with including increased responsibilities, financial pressures and greater demands placed upon us, this can lead to a build- up of negative emotions. Whether you are an outwardly angry person or a passive aggressive one; getting mad takes a huge toll on your health. Anger can affect health in many ways causing migraines, increased blood pressure, digestive problems, skin complaints and it also depletes the immune system. The adrenalin surges we experience when angry also put enormous stress on the major organs. Anger also has links to cancer, strokes, heart disease and depression,
“If you deconstruct any anger situation, it is usually a result of the person not getting their emotional or primary needs met,” says Mike Fisher, anger management expert and director of the British Association of Anger Management. “This can lead to instances where a person will not feel valued, appreciated or understood.”
Marie Jones, 22, works in public relations and finds her temper very difficult to handle, especially when faced with situations where she is not in control, such as when dealing with her GP and during stressful work episodes. “When I lose my temper I feel very tearful, snap a lot and can jump to some ridiculous conclusions, blowing everything out of proportion,” says Marie. She was introduced to the autogenics relaxation technique while receiving counselling for depression and anger management. “I find using it really helps me to feel less uptight and also provides more straws to hold onto, so I am less likely to get to the final straw and flip,” adds Marie. Exercise, particularly cycling and swimming, also helps Marie to channel her angry feelings and she likes to keep Bach’s Rescue Remedy on hand too.
Psychologist and cognitive behavioural expert Dr Miriam Charalambous feels it is far less socially acceptable for women to be seen outwardly expressing their negative emotions in public. As a result, women are more prone to displaying passive aggressive signs including avoiding getting into arguments and bottling up their emotions.
Sara Johnson, 38, is a busy single mum-of three who juggles home life with working full-time. Sara’s anger would spiral from feelings of everything getting on top of her and not knowing how to deal with this build-up of pressure. “I used to feel as if my brain was going to explode and I didn’t know how else to get the feelings out other than to blow my fuse,” says Sara. “I did not want my children to see that side of me and think that was the right way to deal with something, so I decided to take action. I opted for cognitive behavioural therapy sessions as I did not want to take anti-depressant medication. CBT has made such an amazing difference. It helps me to stop and think before I react. I can stop and question myself before reacting and this helps me to cope with the pressure better.”
“Anger can affect health in many ways”
Another way to combat it is to be aware of when angry feelings are building, says Miriam: “Anger is not a sudden burst of emotion, there are always warning signs. It can affect you physically – you may feel hot, have prickly skin or your stomach may start to churn.
Behaviourally, you may clench your fist, change your tone of voice or increase the volume. From a cognitive perspective, your thoughts may start to become more negative and you may have difficulty focusing on anything other than how you are feeling. Learning to recognise those signs can help you to calm the anger and dissipate it in a more positive way.”
Communication help
Thinking about how you communicate is important to controlling your temper and avoiding escalating situations, says life coach, Andrea Lindsay. “If we feel the response we’re having is particularly extreme for the situation, we have to ask ourselves why this is happening? We often find when we are feeling stressed, we do not take the time to communicate effectively. Instead we can be too direct with the words that we use, which is unlikely to generate a positive response. Thinking about how you communicate can help to dissipate any volatile situations and gain a better response.”
People like to help, and by using positive words to phrase your requests, you can gain a better response without walking into an argument. Andrea advises using a preamble to requests for help, whether at work or at home with your partner or children. “Using ‘it would be helpful if…’ at the beginning of your sentence will also help to soften the tone of your voice, which will in turn, change the response you receive from the person on the other side, as it will feel very different to a demand to do something,” says Andrea.
“PEOPLE WITH ANGER PROBLEMS TEND TO TAKE EVERYTHING PERSONALLY”
Why are you angry?
“I call anger an umbrella emotion as anger in itself is not something to deal with alone,” says health psychologist, Wendy Dignan. “What you really need to work out is what is provoking the anger, as it is usually a short cut used because people cannot express, or do not want to express, what is actually the problem. Anger can also be a learnt response where you may have grown up in a household where there was a dominant personality who was very, very angry.”
8 Ways to control your temper
Try these anger remedies when you feel the red mist descending!
Take yourself away from the situation
Going to a different location to remove yourself from the source of your anger will help to take the sting out of an ill-tempered situation, helping you to feel calmer. When your body becomes more relaxed, it also sends a message to the brain to say there is nothing to be angry or upset about anymore.
Rationalise your thoughts
“Think of anger in stages of one to five, with five being the blow out stage,” says Miriam. “If you catch your feelings of getting mad at the one or two stage, you can rationalise your thoughts and ask yourself – why am I feeling this way or what am I thinking? It will really help you to stop and think whether there is an alternative way of looking at a situation.”
Don’t be so judgemental
“People with anger issues can be very opinionated, very judgemental and very critical,” says Mike. “This mild superiority can cause them to forget their own humanity. We’re all human and we all get things wrong and mess up at times, so you are not really in a position to judge others.”
Use an anchor
“Using your dominant hand, the one you write with, take your middle fingernail and press this into the fleshy part of your thumb,” suggests Andrea. “You need to feel a little pinch as this will send a reaction to your brain. At the same time, take five deep breaths, while controlling your breathing, in through your nose and out through your mouth. Your breathing should be very slow and very controlled. Slowing our breathing also helps the brain to release serotonin which balances our emotions and helps to get oxygen around the body and relaxes muscles. While continuing the deep breathing, say to yourself ‘I am calm’ or alternatively use the words ‘relaxed’ or ‘comfortable’. The keywords you use should always be focused on outcome as this is what your brain hangs onto. By using your anchor regularly, your brain will automatically respond to that switch and help you to take control.”
Keep a diary
“Keeping a diary is really good for looking at situational anger and understanding what triggered your anger at certain moments,” says Wendy. “From this you can analyse exactly what it is about a particular instance that triggered an angry response and help you to work through what the core root of your anger is.”
Stop before you shout
Asking yourself questions like is this going to matter in one hour, one day or one week, before you react, can also help you to rationalise, says Miriam. “Consider if it is worth getting angry about the situation, whether this is the best way to react and have a think if your reaction will make this whole thing worse. This is great for gaining a healthy perspective and also gives your brain a ‘relax, relax’ message which will help to invoke calm,” adds Miriam.
Don’t take it personally
“People with anger problems tend to take everything personally,” says Mike. “Nothing others say or do is because of you.” Instead, Mike advises reaching out for support as talking helps you to feel connected and less alone.
Try role reversal
“Pretend you are someone who you have been angry with in the past while your friend or partner pretends to be you and tries to defend your angry reaction,” advises Wendy. “This will help you to see exactly how it is on the receiving end and will help you to become your own therapist. You can look at the situation from the other perspective and answer what you would do to diffuse the anger you are receiving. It is an extremely useful tool to use.”
By Julie Penfold
