Wellbeing

Psychology: Dr Nicola Davies on how to spot a victim

By Dr Nicola Davies

Top psychologist Dr Nicola Davies introduces the victim – do you know one?

Top psychologist Dr Nicola Davies introduces the victim – do you know one?
Individuals who habitually indulge in self-victimisation (also known as playing the victim) do so for various reasons: to control or influence other people’s thoughts, feelings and actions; to justify their abuse of others; to seek attention; or, as a way of coping with situations. Although they can actually change circumstances to avoid being victimised, they won’t seize the opportunity because they want to play the role and appear as victims to others and themselves. Those who choose to play the victim role display distinct characteristics.

THE VICTIM

KEY TRAITS
To identify a victim, look out for the following characteristics:

They tend to manipulate or abuse others verbally or physically, but then blame the other person (the real victim) for provoking the abuse.
They influence or control other people’s sympathy to gain compassion or support.
They form friendships or intimate relationships with those who disrespect,mistreat or abuse them to convincethemselves and the world of their unfortunate status
They tend to avoid taking responsibility for their life, instead blaming others for their mistreatment or unfortunate circumstances.
They think and talk a lot about how others take advantage of their kindness.

Positives

There aren’t many positives to the victim personality, but two ways in which you might benefit from the victim are:
They can make us feel important and valuable. Since they believe they are incapable of taking care of their own needs, they will always need your support with something.
They long to be trustworthy and will make every effort to stick to their promises or complete any tasks you ask of them.

Negatives
When in the company of the victim personality, be on the lookout for the following behaviour:

Their crippling dependency on friends or co-workers for support and sympathy can be draining, and you cannot be sure if they actually appreciate your sympathetic responses and efforts.
They can evoke anger and aggression in you, especially after you realise you have been duped into giving them sympathy when it should have gone to the real victim of their abuse
They instinctively draw out the caring,nurturing, and protective qualities in people, only to set them up for manipulation or abuse.
Sometimes they will take extreme measures to get attention, like emptying a spouse’s bank account because they feel neglected or sending hate emails to themselves and then accusing others of sending them.

DO YOU PLAY THE VICTIM?

You are playing the victim when you often:

Justify your aggression against others by believing they deserve it.
Refuse to take responsibility for your own happiness or misery –it’s the world that’s a bad place, and no one can truly be trusted.
Find yourself in relationships where others mistreat you, so you can feel justified in your victim role.
Nag, complain, harass, and beseech others until they give in to your demands.
Commonly turn to the phrase, ‘You’re the only one who can help me.’
Sometimes go to extremes to get revenge for perceived or actual abuse, like destroying your own property and falsely accusing someone else of being responsible.
Provoking aggressive behaviour from others, but downplaying or ignoring your role in it.
Feel anxious about the very idea that you can exert a positive influence over your own life without the support of others.

HOW DO I DEAL WITH A VICTIM?

After a while, you will start to avoid their child-like dependency. When you do cut ties, they will feelv ictimised and the cycle will continue. Remember that self-victimisers play a role that has always worked for them. By empathetically and consistently challenging them, as well as emphasising those non-victim aspects of them that you like, a victim can be helped to change. An example of empathetically challenging a victim would be to ask a question that makes them reconsider their situation, such as, “You say he became aggressive. What happened just before he became aggressive?” An example of valuing the non-victim traits of the individual include statements such as, “I like it when you show this positive attitude. It suits you.”