Wellbeing

Inner Self: Use your Vulnerability

Showing our vulnerable side may seem like a weakness, but can it actually be the key to success? Kim Leggatt finds out

Showing our vulnerable side may seem like a weakness, but can it actually be the key to success? Kim Leggatt finds out
“I was always seen as the tough, reliable one at work. The kind of person who lets nothing get to them,” says Jane, a 35-year-old financial director for a major corporation. “But underneath I was just bottling things up, coping badly with the stress and feeling more and more out of control.”

“Vulnerability is a tool for growth, one that allows you to experience life in new and exciting ways”

One day Jane’s boss asked her how she was feeling and she decided to take risk and tell him that she was struggling to cope. To her amazement he listened, was sympathetic and offered to bring in an assistant to help her with her workload.

“You have no idea how relieved I was and how much better I feel at work now,” says Jane. “It scared me at the time to be that open and show my vulnerable side but now I feel so empowered, so incredibly free and really able to communicate with people in a much more authentic way.” So why do we fear being vulnerable? Is it because being truthful with ourselves is difficult, or that we think we’ll be taken advantage of, or that others are better than us? After all, being vulnerable means we have to show our true self, not the image we project to the world, the ‘I can handle everything’ image that everyone else seems to do so well.

Author Dan Collins (innovativeteambuilding.co.uk) explains: “Having the courage to face candid feedback takes great strength. This confidence tends only to be found in people who possess sufficient self-belief to weigh up the value of any criticism levelled against them.”

Active or passive?

So have we underestimated vulnerability? Is there more to it than the Oxford English Dictionary would have us believe? Well, to be precise, vulnerability is a tricky customer, a character trait rife with confusion, a double-edged sword with negative and positive connotations. On one hand it can help us rise to success and connect with the world and on the other it can have us downtrodden, victimised and out of control. It’s one of the most powerful forces in the universe. Used well it can transform your life. Let it use you and suffer the consequences. This dual purpose is known as active vulnerability and passive vulnerability.

Active vulnerability comes from being open enough to take a risk whether personal, financial or other. It is a conscious effort to be proactive and self-progressive, even if the outcome is beyond our control. Passive vulnerability is reactive and subservient allowing the situation to control us rather than the other way round.

Anthony Tjan, CEO and founder of venture capitalist firm Cue Ball, explains: “The willingness to be vulnerable isn’t driven by the desire for exposure, but the possibility of what that exposure might lead to – be it a meaningful role, the possibility to affect change and of course, greater financial gain.” Whether it’s with our work colleagues, our partner or our friends, being actively vulnerable can help us connect with others in a far deeper way. Simply, when we let people see the cracks in the surface it allows them a way in and promotes a truer, more heartfelt conversation.

Mark J Warner, author of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Enhancing Self-Esteem (£9.99, Alpha Books USA), puts it bluntly: “Our society constantly conveys messages to repress the vulnerable self – ‘don’t let them see you sweat; you’ve got to be tough; cover up those mistakes’ – but the key to success is vulnerability. The only way to learn is to let yourself be vulnerable – to open yourself up to learning. This means you have to admit to yourself: ‘I’m not perfect; I don’t know it all; I’m not too old to learn something new; I do have the smarts to learn something new; it’s not a weakness to ask for help. Vulnerability is a tool for growth, one that allows you to experience life in new and exciting ways.”

“Think of the best and worst leaders you’ve worked with. Which of them listened to honest feedback?” continues Dan Collins. “Were any of them the first to raise a hand or admit that they didn’t understand a concept or instruction? When you saw a leader behaving in this way how did everyone around you behave? More often than not, we find leaders who exhibit this level of vulnerability engender those around them with the same openness.”

It may not feel wholly natural to admit you don’t understand, have made a mistake or need some help but it does demonstrate a humility and self-respect that is a quality indicative of likeable and trustworthy people. And, talent aside, the number one attribute in employees rising up the corporate ladder is how much they’re liked as a person in their own right.

Open up

Genuine vulnerability works if you work it. But it must be genuine. “I’d been having run-ins with my work partner Judy for several months,” says 42-year-old film producer Rachel. “It was like a constant power struggle always feeling like she was trying to steal my thunder. I’d reached a point where I couldn’t even look her in the eye I was so angry.”

The two women decided to meet up and talk things through. “I realised that if I didn’t trust her enough with my insecurities she’d never know how I truly felt and there’d be no point in going on,” explains Rachel. “I had to weigh up my pride and ego with how much I valued her and when it boiled down to it I valued her too much to lose her.”

“I told her that I had a hard time sharing because I felt like she might take all the glory and leave me for dust. It was my biggest fear since my ex-husband had left me. Her response completely surprised me. She said that she’d always been in awe of my talent and felt like she had to work twice as hard to keep up with me. She hadn’t realised that it was making me feel insecure. Her worry had been that I didn’t think she was good enough. We both thought it was mad that we couldn’t talk to each other about this and vowed to always say what was on our minds however stupid it might sound. I can’t believe I nearly lost a friend and work partner because of my insecurities.”

Dave Navarro, entrepreneurial business coach (rockyourday.com) sums it up. “The power of being vulnerable in front of someone else you can trust comes from being open to the possibility that you can deal with your situation in a healthy way rather than just stewing in it. And once everything’s out in the open, the whole power dynamic changes.

First off, you get a sense of relief from finally getting the words out of your head and in front of someone. You don’t feel like you’re hiding your pain or pretending it doesn’t exist and though you may still feel helpless to deal with it, at least it’s uncoiling from your mind a little bit. This relief in itself can be palpable and liberating. But more than that, when you really explain your pain to someone else, you get a more objective view of it.

As the words come out of your mouth they have to be challenged by your ‘reality filter’(that part of you that realises things don’t make as much sense when you actually say them out loud) and you realise that you’ve been giving certain things too much power – as in you’ve been thinking something is hopeless when in reality, you know there’s hope. Or you think something is ‘impossible’ when in reality it’s just difficult, inconvenient and uncomfortable. Or when you think you have no choices when the truth of the matter is that you have plenty of them. It’s astounding how many problems we think are unbearable sound different simply by verbalising them to another person. And then dealing with them becomes something possible rather than impossible. And that feels good.”

9 ways to be actively vulnerable

Try these self-help tips to learn how to use your vulnerability to your advantage

Think of it as fun rather than fearful.
Don’t try to plan what you’re going to say; let the feelings and the words be spontaneous and heartfelt. Don’t try to edit. Let the only agenda be openness – that will take you in the right direction.
Don’t worry about how you sound or how you look, even if you burst into tears. All that matters is you’re getting in touch with your heart and being authentic. Nothing bad will happen (really).
Don’t be afraid to show the chinks in your armour – it allows people a way in to help you. It’s our default setting to think we can manage alone but, in reality, everyone needs help. Never be afraid to ask – people like to help, it gives them purpose and a connection, making it a win-win situation.
Don’t try to be smart; just be honest. Smart is your ego talking; honesty is your heart talking.
If your vulnerability involves confronting someone else, always remember that you want the best for the other person regardless of the outcome or what they say to you.
When you feel yourself resisting vulnerability that’s the time to embrace it. Feel the fear and work through it. Bare your soul and peace and contentment will follow. The rewards are endless.
You own your emotions and you own how you want them to be, so take responsibility for them. Vocalise rather than internalise at all times even if you think it will sound stupid. Your internal thoughts are there for a reason. Vocalising will help you realise that reason and free you from it.
When you’re vulnerable anything can happen so stay open to the possibility that you’re letting good things into your life. Practise that daily and it will become the norm, leading to a more fulfilling and loving life.