Wellbeing

How to feel more confident at parties

Looking for advice on how to feel more confident at parties and other social events? We’ve got expert tips from life coach Mhairi Todd

Could you use some tips on how to feel more confident at parties? Most of us are used to feeling shy from time to time, especially around unfamiliar people. While for some, social anxiety can prevent you from wanting to go out to events, full stop. This of course can impact negatively on wellbeing and hold you back both at work and in your personal life. After all, connecting with others is good for us.

To help ease our worries and feel less awkward in social situations, planning ahead is key. Whether it’s a big work event or friend’s wedding, with a bit of prep work you can go into the event more self-assured.

To help, we asked Mhairi Todd, life coach and founder of Revolve Coaching to give us a few pointers. Here are her tips to feel more confident at parties…

Know you are enough, exactly as you are

It may sound trite but one of the single biggest confidence killers is thinking you need to be someone else in order to be found interesting, charming or successful. So many of us completely undervalue ourselves; focusing on all the ways we feel we aren’t good enough and discounting our natural gifts. Please know that you are much more compelling than you believe, and your authentic self is the spark that others will warm to.

With that said, there is no harm in taking steps to embody more confidence than you feel. One step before knowing you are enough, is knowing exactly who you are. Specifically recognising your own character strengths is incredibly powerful. Try a free character strength survey (such as via institute) and see for yourself the things you take for granted about yourself are actually traits others covet.

Prepare an opener

One of the daunting things about social gatherings is knowing how to start up conversation with strangers, especially when the vibe is a little awkward. Play to your strengths here. Are you funny? Have a quip ready. Are you a history buff? Have an interesting and relevant fact up your sleeve. Or keep it simple and have one stock question ready to ask, like: ‘How did you come to know x and y?’; ‘Have you worked at the company long?’; ‘Did you see x in y publication today?’.

Pick something that suits your audience and hold it in your mind. You might not need it, but if you do draw a blank, you’ve got an ace in your back pocket.

Get ready for the inevitable questions

What’s the one question you get asked or will ask of any stranger? ‘So, what do you do for a living?’. Every time, right?!

The cynics amongst us might muse this is because we are a society of snobs who judge each other by profession. A kinder rational might be that many of us spend a huge proportion of time, effort and energy at work, so this is a natural area of life to enquire around. Perhaps the truth is somewhere in between. Regardless, instead of being caught on the hop, prepare responses that feel good for the inevitable questions. Which brings me on to my next tip.

Know your triggers and how to navigate them

Maybe you are usually confidence personified, but as the CEO walks towards you, the power of speech leaves you. Perhaps you’re fine as long as no one at the family gathering asks you about your love life… again. Take some time now to think of what depowers you.

With this knowledge you can start to make changes. The long term and permanent solution may be to consider what support you need and deserve – this could be in the form of a coach or therapist, for example.

Short term, however, you need simply find a way to navigate. Try any of the 3 D’s: deflect, deter or delay.

Deflect is useful in polite, impersonal circles, deter can be powerful when you want to push back and ward someone strongly off a particular topic and delay is for more personal relationships when you have no desire to discuss the topic. These might sound something like:

Deflect: ‘Never mind about my job, congrats on your promotion, tell me everything!’

Deter: ‘Ooft, straight for the juggler. I’ll need a few martinis before we go there.’

Delay: ‘Thank you for asking. One to chat about later when we’ve more time/privacy/I’m in a better headspace.’

Get rid of ‘I’m just’

It’s all too easy to conflate humility with self-deprecation. Do you recognise yourself in any of these sentiments?

‘Oh, I’m just a stay at home mum.’

‘I just dabble really.’

‘It’s just launched so it may go horribly wrong.’

These subtle slights erode confidence insidiously. So instead, practise asking yourself: ‘If I was 100 percent confidant, how would I answer this question?’.

For example, as an answer to: ‘What do you do for a living?’ say, ‘I’m a homemaker’.

How’s the side hustle going? ‘You mean my business? Really great thank you.’

It’s not hubris to respect yourself and your choices. So, if you’ve recently taken up knitting and are having a life changing love affair with it, then share that with pride!