Many of us enter a new relationship with a similar set of ‘values’ or ‘rules’, such as: Never go to bed on an argument; talking about your ex is bad, or cheating is unforgiveable. But how many of these rules match up to our own inherent values, and how many of them are passed down to us from our parents, or even grandparents? “There are definitely some must-haves for any relationship to flourish which include mutual respect, honesty, an ability to communicate, a sense of security, intimacy, friendship and being able to laugh together,” says world-renowned therapist and bestselling author Marisa Peer (marisapeer. com ). “But when it comes to the rest, every relationship is unique.”
When you think about it, we all know a couple who hardly ever has sex and is still as close as ever, yet for another couple, dwindling libidos could be a deal-breaker. The same goes for arguing – some wouldn’t be without regular heated debates, whereas too many angry words could just cross a line for others. Even fidelity is subjective. Would you leave a husband of 25 years over a drunken kiss at the Christmas party? It’s a tricky one. Some consider any form of cheating, even an emotional affair (sometimes even moreso), the end of a relationship, whereas others could forgive a minor indiscretion so long as it was just a one-off.
“It’s important that there are boundaries and ground rules that both people are happy with,” adds Marisa. “Being able to talk about your feelings and concerns as well as discussing everyday issues like household chores and finances is critical to any relationship if it is to stand the test of time.”
According to Elenor Tourini, consultant psychologist and co-founder of The Chelsea Psychology Clinic (thechelseapsychologyclinic.com ), having a healthy relationship with yourself is just as important in a relationship. “That means understanding your own needs, triggers and vulnerabilities so that you can communicate them in your relationship,” she says. “Likewise, it’s important to develop an understanding of what’s going on in your partner’s mind, too. This means understanding both the things that are important to them and also what they find difficult in life so you can support them through challenging times.” So, how do we navigate this relationship minefield and identify the needs that are important to us?
Don’t expect plain sailing
Growing up on Disney movies and rom-coms, we’d be forgiven for thinking that life with the right person should be a constant stream of great sex, late-night chats and unending laughter, and when that isn’t the case, it’s easy to wonder: Did I choose the right person? But according to experts, when it comes to life, plain sailing is a myth.
“Tough times are inevitable,” says Marisa. “Sometimes problems are created by circumstances outside of the relationship – Covid proved a huge challenge for many couples, for example. A change in dynamics within the relationship can also cause a strain such as long-term illness or losing a job. Even everyday issues can create tension – a habit that used to seem endearing can soon become irritating once a couple have left the initial throes of romance behind.”
That said, working through issues and supporting each other are what cements a relationship in the long term and helps people grow together as a couple. “If life was one long hedonistic paradise, relationships would remain superficial and fragile,” Marisa adds. “Instead of seeing tough times as a problem, consider them as opportunities to learn new things about each other whilst growing as an individual.”
Look out for red flags
So, tough-times are inevitable, but how can we know when standard relationship difficulties have crossed a line into unhealthy territory? Because we all know that a relationship red flag doesn’t only apply to physical domestic abuse. According to Elenor, if there is a consistent experience of distress and unhappiness, an inability to communicate effectively, lack of respect, constant arguments and ongoing criticism, it might be time to take a look at whether your relationship is good for your wellbeing. “Ultimately, both people need to have the willingness to work on things,” she says. “When one – or both – partners have already mentally checked out of the relationship it can be very difficult to find a way back again.”
Of course, all couples go through difficult periods and these can extend to several months or longer. “In these situations, it’s important to talk to each other honestly about how one another is feeling and create some coping strategies,” says Marisa. “The bottom line is that both people need to be committed to making the relationship work and navigating troubled times together. Even the happiest couples might need to seek outside support such as therapy at some stage – be that on an individual basis or as a couple.”
However, she adds that there are some universal barriers to a healthy relationship. These include: addiction, violence, vastly different life goals, controlling behaviour, jealousy, mistrust and a lack of respect. “Sometimes you have to say goodbye to someone you truly love simply because you want different things from life,” she says. “Whilst not being blind to your flaws, your partner should be your biggest supporter. If they constantly find fault or criticise you, then they are unlikely to have your back when it comes to life’s bigger issues.”
Discover your relationship values
Knowing what you want from a relationship is key to its success and whether it’s likely to be healthy or doomed to failure, even from the very start. “Finding the right match begins with knowing who you are and what you want – whilst opposites attract, having things in common is likely to make for a stronger relationship,” says Marisa. “Ask yourself questions such as: what goals do I have in life, what are my core values and beliefs, what things do I enjoy doing, talking about, reading and watching etc. Then create a wishlist of the qualities your ideal partner would have. As well as noting down what you do want, also think about what you DON’T want – this will help you spot any red flags early on.”
Be queen of communication
“Never expect your partner to be a mind reader,” says Elenor. “In order for our partners to meet our needs, we need to be able to communicate with them clearly. Be sure to avoid using any blaming language. ‘Always’ and ‘never’ tend to be triggering and unhelpful phrases. For example, ‘You’re always late’ or ‘You never show up for me’. Criticism and blame are two things that can have a very damaging effect in a relationship and are best avoided. Instead, focus on using ‘I’ statements, like: ‘I feel anxious when you don’t tell me you’ll be running late.’”
Ultimately, having a healthy relationship with yourself is the foundation for forming healthy relationships with others. “Therapy is a great place to start exploring your values and what’s important to you so that you can choose relationships that align with that,” Elenor adds. But, if you are already in a well-established relationship but don’t feel comfortable discussing your needs, or find yourself bottling things up, rather than raising them with your partner, Marisa says: “Ask yourself whether they are the right person for you.”
Set boundaries
Many people coast from one relationship to another repeating the same mistakes – finding themselves in a cycle of dating a certain type who share similar destructive habits. “We do this because our minds love familiarity and gravitate towards it,” explains Marisa. “This means we never give ourselves the time to properly analyse why it went wrong.” So, whilst a break up can feel unbearable, it is the perfect time to review any shortcomings on both sides and help you better understand yourself, any areas you need to work on and set yourself healthy boundaries for future relationships. “Talking with your partner about your needs, fears and trigger points is crucial to creating a safe, relaxed and empowered relationship. If your partner appears disinterested in taking this discussion on board, think twice before fully committing.”
Relationship myths
Marisa Peer explores some of the common relationship ‘rules’ and why they aren’t as black and white as they first seem
You should stay together if you have kids
It is a hard decision to walk away from a relationship when children are involved but happy parents make for happy children. Children can appear to be happy on the surface but witnessing their parents arguing and living in a negative atmosphere can be more destructive than a clean and, hopefully, amicable split. Children are resilient and as long as they feel loved by both parents and reassured they’re not to blame for the split, they will thrive. Also remember that one day your children will fly the nest and what will your life look like when they’re gone?
Never go to bed on an argument
This is really down to the individuals involved, what the argument is about and its severity. Some people need time and space to process their emotions so sleeping on things might actually help the situation. Waking up with a fresh mindset can often mean the argument is left in the past without the need for a post-mortem on everything that was said. In this instance, if one partner pushes for a resolution before bed and tries to get the other to talk, it can make matters worse and the situation can escalate.”
If you’re with the right person things should be easy
Relationships are all about compromise – it’s important to remember that at the start, it may seem carefree but there will always be challenges along the way. Don’t confuse the changes a relationship inevitably goes through as something going wrong – feeling less lustful or starting to get irritated by little things are all part of the learning and growing experience. No-one is perfect.
Arguing is a bad sign
I think arguing is healthy if it is not incessant or abusive. Being able to argue with your partner shows you have the confidence to express your own opinion. However, it is important not to cross certain boundaries or argue when one or both of you have had one tipple too many. Try to choose your words carefully as once something has been said, it is difficult to unsay it. Even though you can blame the heat of the moment, hurtful remarks can cause lasting damage. Don’t involve your children or other family members in your rows or use them as bargaining chips. Always try to see things from the other person’s perspective and if things are getting out of hand, then walk away and let the emotions die down before trying to discuss the topic again.
Don’t talk about exes
Trust is key to a healthy relationship and talking openly about your past relationships shouldn’t be an issue if your partner is made to feel secure. As long as you’re not talking excessively or negatively about your expartner, speaking about exes can actually be quite a healthy thing to do, especially if there are children involved which means a former partner will always be part of your life. However be mindful of how you broach the subject and be sensitive to your partner’s needs and feelings. Do you need to discuss your ex with them? Does it directly affect them in some way? Try to make the conversations relevant, short and to the point and make sure they know that your focus is on them and this relationship, not the past one.
If one of you cheated, it’s over
This situation is unique to each couple and depends on a range of factors including which of them cheated and why they were unfaithful. Over 70 percent of couples who are faced with this dilemma end up staying together and claim that it made their relationship stronger in the end. However, this statistic is based on situations where infidelity had happened just once – someone who is a serial philanderer will probably have other unacceptable personality traits that make them a less-than-ideal choice as a life partner. Sometimes the person who was cheated on finds it difficult to heal – if their partner is completely dedicated to putting things right and working hard at it, it might be helpful to consider therapy such as Rapid Transformational Therapy to help you reframe negative emotions and leave the past behind.
