Sex. We’ve all had it; and according to a 2017 study by Statista , approximately two out of every three people aged over 35 are unsatisfied sex-wise. Which is a real shame, since sexual satisfaction can help relieve stress, improve your immune system, increase blood flow, enhance your relationship and even help a person to look between four and seven years younger, according to Dr David Weeks, a consultant neuropsychologist at the Royal Edinburgh Hospital . There are multiple reasons why people may be experiencing a dip in their sex life, from a low libido and sexual desire to full-blown sexual dysfunction. However, there’s no need to worry if you’ve noticed your own sex life or drive is a little lacklustre – with a little experimentation, communication and changes to your lifestyle, you can easily get your sexy back.
How to improve your sex life Before anything, it’s important to understand that there is no right or wrong sex drive for women, nor is there a specific rule about how you should be having sex. Everyone has a different definition of what sex means to them, and it isn’t just penetrative vaginal sex – instead, it can be lots of foreplay, oral sex or anal sex, etc. The sex doesn’t have to end just because one of you orgasmed, either. The most important thing is to find what you and your partner enjoy, and the following ideas can help with that.
Foreplay In our increasingly busy lives, it seems impossible to make time for foreplay, especially since it’s widely regarded as just the build-up before sex. However, a slow, drawn-out foreplay can really set the mood and up your libido; after all, some time spent kissing will trigger a release of oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin. This lovely chemical cocktail lowers cortisol levels (the stress hormone) and increases feelings of affection, bonding and euphoria. It’s therefore worth setting aside a full 30 minutes solely to enjoy yourself in this way a few times a month.
Explore erogenous zones While enjoying a little foreplay together, take your time exploring which areas you and your beloved like being touched. Even if you’ve been together for years, you may find your preferences change or discover something new about your partner; men, in particular, may find it embarrassing to be touched and pleasured in areas other than the genitalia, so may not have explored their erogenous areas before. This sensuous touch will really heighten you and your partner’s senses during foreplay and help nurture that sensual connection during sex.
Lube Many women falsely assume that they should be getting ‘wet’ enough that they don’t need to use a lubricant, and view the use of it as shameful, but lube can make your sex more pleasurable whatever the situation. It’ll help everything slide and slip more easily, and provide a barrier between skin and fingers or toys, cutting down on any friction, irritation and discomfort. So it’s worth ignoring the judgements and having fun with it. Just make sure to note which ones damage latex condoms.
Practise mindfulness Minds wander during sex. It happens and it’s perfectly normal, but a wandering mind will take you out of the moment and reduce your focus on the sensual or pleasurable feelings your partner is trying to deliver. That’s why, just as it’s important to practise mindfulness in other areas of your life, you should do so during sex, too. Forget about your long list of things to do or the project you need to finish at work, and focus on the here and now of you and your partner. Doing this, and focusing on your breathing, can even help you both last longer during sex and slow ejaculation down.
Tantric sex Like mindfulness, tantric sex is a slow, meditative form of sex where the end goal is not orgasm but enjoying the sexual journey and sensations of the body. It aims to move sexual energy throughout the body for healing, transformation, and enlightenment. Our intrepid reporter Rose Rouse strongly vouches for the intimate activity after taking part in a 5-day tantra course where she and 25 others embraced their sensuality, befriended their demons and prepared themselves for their future love: “This was a world where there was compassion, softness, vulnerability, connection, sensuality and fun,” she says.
Strengthen your pelvic floor muscles Your pelvic floor muscles are the set of muscles you use to stop the flow of urine mid-stream when you are sitting on the toilet. As the Cleveland Clinic points out , age, past pregnancies and weight gain can cause the muscles to weaken, leading to the uterus, bladder and bowel sagging down into the vagina, causing a loss of sexual sensitivity. By strengthening these muscles through kegel exercises – where you perform sets of lifting and holding the muscles, then relaxing them – you can help not only to prevent urine leakage, but to improve your orgasm.
Sex toys Much like lube, while sex toys used to be viewed as shameful or perverted, they’re now beloved for amping up arousal and exploring diverse sensations. If you’ve never used a sex toy in the bedroom before, small vibrators are non-scary, fun choices, and can complement your regular sex. For instance, if your partner can’t last long enough for you to finish, wait until they’re close but not there yet and let them tag out and use a vibrator on you. Then they can tag back in when you’re both close to the finish line. Plus, if you’re prepared to experiment, there’s an exciting product out there for every taste.
Shake up your sex positions Sex can sometimes stagnate in long-term relationships – you might find yourself doing the same routine month after month – so it’s important to work with your partner to keep things fresh. Try different sex positions, different times of day or different locations for sex. Ask your partner to spend more time on foreplay. If you and your partner are open to experimentation, bring in new sex toys or roleplay setups to help rekindle your sexual desire.
Good communication Whether you’ve been together for years or just started seeing each other, it’s likely you’ll learn something new about your bedmate’s desires by simply asking. Couples who learn to communicate in an open, honest way usually maintain a stronger emotional connection and enjoy better sex, since they understand what the other likes. If you’re sheepish about broaching the subject, don’t worry, you don’t have to talk in-depth about your partner’s body parts. Instead, just let them know that what they’re doing turns you on.
Afterplay After sex, take advantage of the moment (and the extra flowing feel-good hormone oxytocin in both your bloodstreams) to enjoy some touching, cuddling and bonding. As Mike Lousada says , it is in the minutes following sex that we can really alter our body’s experience and the impact it has on our relationship. Couples who don’t maintain close body contact will experience a drop of oxytocin as it returns to regular levels, which can lead to unhappiness and irritability. However, by hugging and holding each other, you can maintain it for longer and enjoy multiple positive effects.
Get active Through exercise, you can improve your sexual stamina, body image, mood and blood circulation, which will increase your sexual satisfaction when it’s time for the blood to ‘flow south’. Moreover, yoga, in particular, has been found to improve female libido. Basic poses are believed to improve pelvic muscle tone and release tight hip joints, as well as leave a person feeling healthy, flexible and relaxed, which all contribute to an improved sexual performance and satisfying experience.
Fix up your diet Did you know, what you eat can play a big part in your libido and sexual desire. As we found in a study of foods , seeds, soy and sweet potatoes can help by providing a useful oestrogen boost; probiotics by ensuring optimum activation of nerves; fruit and veg by balancing hormones and brain functions; and more. Take a look at what you can add to your diet to enjoy the benefits of lowered blood pressure, reduced stress and increased pleasure.
Natural aphrodisiacs Potent herbs can dramatically enhance your health, balance your hormones, boost your youthful vitality and noticeably enhance your libido. For instance, in our study into the natural wonders , we found the aphrodisiac ashwagandha can reduce stress hormones (including cortisol) and stimulate blood flow to female reproductive organs; damiana can provide a sexual ‘pick-me-up’ for both men and women; tongcat ali can improve all aspects of our sexual response, and more.
How to stop sexual problems from ruining the mood Of course, despite your efforts, there may be a significant issue that’s preventing you from experiencing satisfying sex – or, perhaps, any sexual activity at all. Diabetes, thyroid issues, cancer and cardiac problems can all decrease libido, while nerve issues, endometriosis or other problems can cause sex to be painful for women. In these cases, it’s important to locate the issue at hand and investigate what you can do to fix it.
Rare arousal If you’re constantly waiting around for feelings of arousal before having sex, it can mean you are missing a lot of good opportunities to have a sexually satisfying encounter with your partner. Try initiating sex before you even get aroused – you’ll likely get turned on in the process. Likewise, organic female arousal creams and gels can help by increasing the body’s natural sexual functions and encouraging blood to flow to the genitals.
Differences in libido As you both lead different lives, it’s only natural for you to experience fluctuations in arousal at different times. This might lead to either partner feeling rejected, frustrated or ashamed, which can further reduce the desire for sex. It helps to remember that fluctuations in the sex drive are a normal part of every relationship and every stage of life. As the Mayo Clinic says , during these times, it’s important to talk with your partner about what you need. If you’re worried about hurting your partner’s feelings, talk about your experience using ‘I’ statements, such as “I think my body responds better when…”
Vaginal dryness One of several menopausal symptoms, vaginal dryness is a common problem that many women experience at some point in their lives that causes itching and painful intercourse. It can also be caused by breastfeeding, childbirth, some types of contraception, cancer treatment and various medications, such as antidepressants. Thankfully, there are lots of different treatments available when you make an appointment to see your GP or a gynaecologist, and as AARP explains, you can help combat it yourself by using lubricants and moisturisers that treat vaginal dryness and spending time masturbating and stimulating yourself.
Stress and anxieties Job pressures, family responsibilities, lack of privacy and worries about children or ageing parents can all render sex a low priority – after all, it’s hard to be in the mood when you have a million things on your to-do list and not much time to do it, states Harvard Women’s Health Watch . During these busy times, scheduling sex into your calendar may seem contrived and boring, but making intimacy a priority can help put your sex drive and libido back on track.
Fixation on orgasms While orgasms are great, they’re not the be-all and end-all, and the pressure to perform is like a cold splash of ice water on an otherwise good time. You put pressure on yourself to orgasm, which gives you anxiety about not having an orgasm, which in turn makes you too anxious to orgasm. Instead of this negative thought process, think of sex as an enjoyable journey, where every step is as good as the next. This lack of pressure can then help you experience your full range of pleasure and even make you more likely to orgasm.
Lack of sleep Sleep is another important lifestyle factor that impacts libido. One reason is that hormone secretion is controlled by the body’s internal clock, and sleep patterns likely help the body determine when to release certain hormones related to sex. Another is that, for both men and women, feeling tired when you get into bed zaps whatever libido you may have had just moments ago. So make sure you’re well-rested!
