Holistic healing

Barefoot Doctor: 4 Ways to Build a Strong Relationship

The UK’s top taoist guru on putting the spark back into your love life

The UK’s top taoist guru on putting the spark back into your love life
We all know couples tend to pretend to be blissfully happy, both in public and in front of each other a lot of the time. Behind closed doors, however, or within the secrecy of their own heads and hearts, they’re feeling anything but that. The better and more convincing the act, the worse the private or internal struggle, but still we all get fooled just like we do by all the other acts people put on in all the various aspects of life. So, in turn, we tend to default to imagining we’re the only ones in such a predicament and that everyone else is enjoying perfect bliss on every level.

So the first thing to do to set a level playing field is to acknowledge that no one has it right – no one has perpetual bliss in their relationship. However, by being willing to devote the time and attention to communication, and by being willing to be extremely mature and accepting of the imperfections of human nature both in oneself and others; and by instead being willing to celebrate the very mess of it all, you will both be able to negotiate a dynamic with enough give and flexibility to grow into the fullness of yourselves in a milieu of mutual love and support.

This requires great suppleness of mind and the willingness to stay engaged in a circular exchange, no matter how hard the other pushes on you or vice versa. So that rather than let the action between you get jagged and jerky and threaten to walk out every time they hurt your feelings, betray your trust, or do anything from the vast repertoire of human behaviour everyone’s capable of doing, you instead stay with it. Then, you must try not to take it personally, accept they’re doing the best they can at that moment and would do better if they could, yield to the impact and return the oncoming force with love.

However to maintain this for any length of time and to allay the passion-killing boredom that derives from suppressing the anger arising from unresolved issues, requires supreme mastery. And as few of us are masters in that respect, you’ll no doubt benefit from the following steps as an exercise to increase your flexibility, resilience and natural grace. Do this and you’ll build greater mutual trust and intimacy and, with that, the renewed passion required to keep you together.

1. Remember the art of touch

Rather than think of reviving flagging sexual drive on one side or the other or both, invest time in massaging each other, however not just any old rubadubdub, but in the magical, sensually inflaming sequence as follows:

Put a soft duvet or blanket down on the floor, get naked and have your partner lie down naked on their front. Sit yourself (on your haunches) at their head, one knee either side of their head, lubricate your hands with a modicum of moisturiser or fragrant (not rancid) oil, and place a hand either side of their spine above the shoulder blades.

Using your body weight rather than strength, slowly, firmly, push your hands down their back in a straight linealong the muscles either side of the spine, all the way down to the sacrum, as if smoothing out a very big piece of dough.

When your hands get to the sacrum, for which you’ll have to come off your haunches, separate them (your hands, not your haunches), one over each hip, then pull up the sides to the armpits, over the shoulder blades, ready to start another round. Complete 18 rounds in total, then reverse positions and let them do the same to you.

2. Talk from your heart

Sit together, face to face, ready for a chat and pull straws to see who’ll go first. Whoever wins then speaks from the heart and enumerates all the various behaviour of the other that hurts them, irritates them or gives them grief of any sort, while the other sits in perfect silence without reacting, simply listening and remembering. The other then repeats the grievances back to them, as in for instance: “I hear what you’re saying – what you’re saying is I don’t pay you enough attention.” The other then validates it by saying: “I understand that’s difficult for you,” and finally empathises by putting themselves in their partner’s shoes, imagining how the grievance must make them feel and then reports that back, as in for instance: “that must make you feel really unappreciated and lonely”. Their partner then either agrees or corrects them. And then you change seats and repeat the whole process the other way round.

3. Remember the love

Change seats again and tell your partner: “I used to feel loved when you used to…”, listing all the things they used to do that made you feel loved, that they’ve stopped doing, while they sit silently listening. Then you say: “I feel loved when you…”, listing the things they do currently that make you feel loved, again while they sit silently listening. And finally, you say: “I would feel loved if you…” listing all the things you’d like them to do that would make you feel loved. Once you’re done, your partner feeds back to you what you’ve just told them and reassures you they understand. You then change seats and repeat the whole process the other way round.

4. Touch again

Resist any temptation to get into further discussion about what’s been revealed and acknowledged and return to the massage position in silence.

Again, without any thought of sex, have your partner lay naked and face up with you sitting naked at their head and place your hands in the centre of their chest. Lightly push your hands down the midline of their chest and belly to the top of the pubic bone, separate them and pull up their sides into their armpits, circle your hands over the top of the chest and back to the centre of the chest ready to begin another round. Complete 18 rounds and then switch over.

And though you’ve done all this without any thought of sex, if you’ve entered fully into the spirit of the exercise, by the time you’ve done all the rubbing, disclosing and empathising, you’ll have stirred so much latent passion, you’ll no doubt be at it like rabbits, thus eliciting enough mutual fire to put the show back on the road.

Article by

Barefoot Doctor

Tao Master

Barefoot Doctor is a leading tao master and has written numerous books including the cult classic Handbook for the Urban Warrior. His latest book is called The Man Who Drove...

Discover more

Article by

Barefoot Doctor

Tao Master

Barefoot Doctor is a leading tao master and has written numerous books including the cult classic Handbook for the Urban Warrior. His latest book is called The Man Who Drove...

Discover more