Wellbeing

Self help: Turning regrets into a positive

Regrets are a part of life but it’s learning from them that’s important, says Jini Reddy

“It’s about letting go of the power of the mind”

In her blog ‘Inspiration and Chai’ palliative care nurse Bronnie Ware listed the most common regrets of the people she’d nursed. So popular and widely read was her blog that she recorded her thoughts in a book, The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying: A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing (£10.99, Hay House). In it, she writes about the common themes that surfaced among those at the end of their lives, and how we might benefit from their wisdom. It makes for a thought-provoking read – the regret most often voiced was remorse for not having had the courage to live a life true to oneself. Inspired, we put the following question to a panel of mind, body, and spirit practitioners: ‘What is your greatest regret so far, and what do you hope to achieve or change before you die?’ Below are their candid and heartfelt replies:

THE BODYWORKER

Susie Hampshire, 38, is a bodywork therapist (thebodyspace.co.uk)
“My main regret is identifying myself so strongly with my thoughts for quite a considerable amount of my 38 years! Looking back, I can see that I was probably either escaping uncomfortable and difficult emotions, or planning how to make my life better. However since waking up to this, I have been able to act upon it with a deep resolve to change. Paradoxically, it is not about changing anything about me. It is more about letting go of the power of the mind, and in doing so becoming far more embodied and in touch with all my senses. In becoming more fully present, I have naturally slowed down and become more curious about what is happening right now, embracing all thoughts and emotions, but also realising their impermanence. My deep desire is to be living in this true embodied state with ease, allowing my natural knowing and intuition to guide me through life.”

THE SOUL MIDWIFE

Felicity Warner, 52, is the founder of the Soul Midwives Foundation (soulmidwives.co.uk)

“Working in the field of death and dying and spirituality reminds you to live every day to the full, to love much and laugh often. But if I had this life again, I’d think I’d have more children. I have two daughters who are the joy of my life, but I think six would have been a lot of fun. My aim before I die is to know there are soul midwives in every hospital, care home, and in every town and village ensuring that no one, anywhere, dies alone, frightened or unsupported. Having a good death is essential and the birthright of every human being, and making sure that happens is our absolute priority.”

Felicity Warner is the author of A Safe Journey Home (£8.99 Hay House)

THE SCIENTIST

David Hamilton, 41, is a groundbreaking scientist who fuses science, the mind and spiritual wisdom (drdavidhamilton.com).

“My greatest regret so far is that I didn’t stand up to bullies in my last year at high school. I was bullied pretty badly in my sixth form by a group of other sixth formers. It wasn’t violent. They weren’t that kind of people. But it was mentally and emotionally harrowing and lasted for several months. For years afterwards I imagined myself back there and speaking up for myself. But at the time I really just kind of slumped my shoulders and took it all. I felt so nervous and weak around them that I never spoke back. As for what I’d like to set out to achieve or change before I die, well I’d like to go into space and set foot on another planet.”

David Hamilton’s latest book, co-authored with Harry Massey is Choice Point: Align Your Purpose (£12.99 Hay House)

THE NUTRITIONIST

Anne-France Rix, 39, is a nutrition consultant for The Food Doctor (the fooddoctor.com)

“As I draw close to turning 40, I regret not finding my life’s purpose until I was 30. Hindsight is a beautiful thing. If only at the age of 19, I had chosen nutrition for my first degree instead of art and theatre, then I would have 10 years more experience and money. But most of all, I would be more knowledgeable, so that I could maybe have helped to prevent my father’s cancer. I know so much more now about the biochemistry of the human body, the pathology of cancer, and the impact of emotional stress upon health. But I guess every experience makes you the person you are today. If you learn from the ‘silver lining’, or the wisdom in past experiences, you can avoid repeating mistakes, and turn those regrets into positive action to find the right life path for you…”

THE LIFE COACH

Eve Menezes Cunningham, 36, is a life coach (applecoaching.com)

“I wish I’d known that not everyone found being a child and teenager so hard. I wish I’d been better at expressing my pain instead of pretending to be fine and turning it inwards. On the plus side, being an adult rocks. A major turning point was starting my own business in 2004. Since then, I’ve been writing, coaching and learning more about what helps us feel better every day. I love it. While I miss the regular pay cheque and self-employment brings its own stresses, they’re my stresses. I can do more about them.

I hope that before I die, I get better and better at what I do and that I’m able to help empower as many people as possible – especially people who believe, as I did, that they’re beyond help – to improve their own work, lives and relationships.”

THE PSYCHIC

Graeme Hill, is a psychic medium (psychicgraeme.co.uk)

“My biggest regret is not embracing love when it came calling. As a typical Virgo, and therefore a control freak, I couldn’t handle being consumed and out of control as a result of the intensity of emotions and affection that came with falling in love. I would analyse it to death and ask ‘is he the one’ instead of ‘is he the one for right now, this second, this moment’. I left Notting Hill, in London, gave up my PR company to move to Hastings to live by the sea and have a simple life. My quest? To find contentment. Not happiness, which is fleeting, but a deep, pervading stillness of the soul that everything is okay, that everything is as it should be. I am working towards it through daily meditation, walks on the beach at sunset, and nurturing myself with good food and loving my dog Arnie.’

THE YOGA TEACHER

Carolyn Cowan, 52, is a kundalini yoga teacher and runner (carolyncowan.com)

“Looking back at the things that have changed my life, I can count several experiences that still endure: getting into recovery from drugs and alcohol, ‘meeting’ kundalini yoga, having two children, getting divorced, and painfully hitting a huge depression. It was a few years of awful darkness postnatally. I lay on the floor one morning after a difficult and challenging yoga practice and my thoughts could not have gone any further into the darkness. It was terrifying. I got up and went for a staggeringly slow and breathless one-minute run. Four and a half years later, I run for an hour four times a week. All signs of depression are gone, as are lots of other niggling issues. I sleep well, I am fit and healthy, I have shed two stone and write about the power of running. My regret is that I did not discover it sooner and if I had the time I would do more to promote it as an extraordinary tool in our individual battles for self esteem.’”

THE HEALER

Katrina Love Senn, 34, is a healer (katrinalovesenn.com)

“For many years I struggled with my weight, putting myself on strict diets, starving myself, counting calories and forcing myself to pound the pavements. This self-inflicted programme of dieting and deprivation ran my life for years. With each new ‘diet’ that I tried (and failed), I was left feeling heavier and worse about myself than ever before. Over time, my self-esteem plummeted. After years of living this way, I was totally surprised when one day my body just broke down. But it gave me the opportunity to go on a healing journey and it was here that I lost 60 pounds and uncovered the secrets to permanent weight loss, health and happiness. Today it is my goal to help and inspire women all over the world so that they too can lose weight without dieting, drugs, deprivation, pills or surgery.”

Katrina Love Senns is the author of Losing Weight is a Healing Journey (£11.99, Amazon)

TOP FIVE REGRETS OF THE DYING:

as witnessed by Bronnie Ware (inspirationandchai.com)

I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
I wish that I had let myself be happier.

5 Keys to Living a Life with No Regrets

Try these tips from Robert Holden, director of the Happiness Project (robertholden.org)

Stay alive! Set a conscious intention every morning to live this today rather than just to get through another today.
Happiness now. Commit to living a joyful life now. Beware the ‘wait’ problem. Affirm to yourself, ‘Live now, procrastinate later.’
Keep Growing. Some people go through life, and others grow through life. Making a commitment to life-long growth will help make your life an adventure.
Healing the past. You can change the past by giving it another meaning. For instance, you can use your mistakes as something to learn from rather than punish yourself for.
Be yourself. Whenever you think there is something missing in your life, it is probably YOU that is missing. Be who you are.