Wellbeing

A guide to a healthy, loving relationships

How good communication, healthy boundaries and mutual respect can help you achieve a relationship that’s happy and satisfying.

We’ve all seen that typical Hollywood movie – girl and boy fall in love, have a few arguments that are cut off with a kiss, and ultimately live happily ever after – but everyone can agree that relationships and love in real life are much more complicated. Each relationship has its ups and downs, its joys and trials, and generally takes a lot of work, commitment and a willingness to adapt and compromise with your partner. Despite that, we’re a species that loves love, from our inherent need to befriend other living beings (and even inanimate objects – anyone else named their Roomba, car or even house?) to our desire to be loved and recognised in turn.

So why do we fall in love?

Looking at the mental, emotional and even physical health benefits of the various different types of love, there’s an easy answer to that question! People in trusting, supportive relationships have a better buffer against stress, leading to a stronger immune system, healthier body and better quality of life. Moreover, positive connections can give people a sense of purpose. It’s natural for humans to want to feel needed and like they’re part of something bigger, and many people strive to feel like they’re improving the world in some way. Being in a loving relationship can give a person that sense of purpose and positivity. What’s more, anti-ageing research has even pointed to relationships as being one of the most important factors in staying healthy into old age, adding as many as nine years to your lifespan!

So, people who are more socially connected are happier, physically healthier and live longer. On the other hand, loneliness and unhealthy, unsupportive relationships can be toxic to our wellbeing – our health declines earlier and we can have shorter lifespans – meaning that the relationships we form with other people really are vital to our wellbeing and survival. Considering all of this, it’s definitely worth it to start and maintain a healthy, loving relationship with a significant other, as it’ll serve as an ongoing source of support and happiness in your life, through good times and bad, strengthening all aspects of your wellbeing.

But how do you find someone to love?

According to London-based matchmaker Ziv Sigoura, it’s all about confidence and making an effort to interact with others. You may be tempted to ask friends to join you at singles mixers, but Ziv suggests going alone and stepping outside of your comfort zone – this will make you more approachable while encouraging you to talk to new people. He also suggests prioritising quality interactions over quantity, and enjoying the process of getting to know people over reaching your goal of finding the one. That way, you’ll enjoy yourself even if you aren’t successful, and you won’t miss any promising opportunities. The most important goal is to find someone that you enjoy spending time with.

If you enjoy dabbling in the spiritual or holistic side of things, you could even have a look at this guide on how to cast a love spell by Cassandra Eason, one of Britain’s most famous white witches. As Marie Bruce, a Yorkshire-based author, pagan journalist and hedgewitch says, you don’t need to be a witch to enjoy the creative and fun process of casting spells. “We all have the ability to move things with our thoughts and desires into actuality,” agrees Cassandra. “Anybody can learn: what you need is a willingness and openness.” This particular spell uses six fresh roses (preferably pink), a local or global map, a vase, a metal tray and a love spell candle to attract the right person into your life.

How can you maintain a happy relationship?

When you find that wonderful person that you click with, falling in love tends to just happen naturally. It’s staying in love or preserving that initial ‘falling in love’ experience that requires commitment and work, because the relationship and your feelings are sure to change over time, no matter the beginning – it’s just human nature, and doesn’t say anything bad about you or your partner. Given the rewards of a committed, loving relationship, though, it’s well worth the effort. By taking steps now to preserve or rekindle love, you can build a meaningful relationship that lasts, even for a lifetime.

Mutual respect

In a mutual partnership, it’s important that you and your partner have a shared respect for one another. Even if you don’t share or understand your partner’s interests, opinions or traits, you respect them and don’t demean or belittle one another, nor do you try to change them into something you believe is more respectable. You value each other’s time and what they say like you would want to be valued in turn. There are a number of different ways that couples can show respect for one another, including not procrastinating when asked to do something, being understanding and forgiving when one person makes a mistake, and showing empathy for one another.

Healthy communication

It’s worth noting that no matter how much you love and respect your partner, communicating your needs and feelings isn’t something that comes automatically or easily, but it’s important to try. Opening yourself up like that can leave you feeling vulnerable, embarrassed, or even ashamed, and if you’ve known each other for a while, you may assume that your partner has a pretty good idea of what you are thinking and what you need. However, your partner is not a mind-reader. While they may have some idea, it is much healthier to express your needs directly to avoid any confusion.

What’s more, people change, and what you needed and wanted five years ago, may be very different now. It’s not bad to discuss things like you’re touching on them for the first time, and as Sheryl Paul, author of The Wisdom of Anxiety says, this effort can help tackle the relationship anxiety that creeps in once the honeymoon period is over, where we might be questioning ‘what is true love’ and considering whether the relationship is worth working on.

Respectful conflict resolution

Being on the same page as your partner goes a long way to tackling what’s bothering you and compromising over your disagreements. Despite what Hollywood may suggest, even loving relationships will encounter the occasional disagreement or conflict – it’s completely normal, and doesn’t mean your relationship is unhealthy. What’s more, even with open, respectful communication, the conflict may not be resolved in a satisfying way; the important thing is that both parties try to work them out together, as a team against the problem instead of one person against the other. As relationship coach Frank Vilaasa explains here, by using a triple-A system (awareness, acceptance and affirmation), both parties can learn from their conflicts together, empower themselves, and create the possibility of changing the dynamics of the relationship for the better.

Healthy boundaries

Whether you’ve just started dating or have been in a committed relationship for years, setting and respecting boundaries is essential. It’s important that partners feel comfortable expressing their wants, fears and limits, and that each partner is given the freedom to live their own life, especially in terms of friendships, professional goals and hobbies. For instance, even though an introverted person loves their partner dearly, they may need some time alone to relax and recharge – it’s not wrong to need some space, and it will make both parties happier overall when their needs are met.

Trust

Trust is arguably among the most important relationship characteristics. Without it, you will be left constantly unsure of whether you can count on your partner to come through for you, and whether or not they really mean what they are saying. It takes time to build trust with predictability, reliability and accountability, but when you have it, you should endeavour not to betray it. Likewise, trust your partner to respect your boundaries and stay faithful. Jealousy is a natural emotion, but how a person reacts when feeling jealous is what matters. There’s no way you can enjoy unconditional love if you don’t trust each other.

Independence

As well as loving your partner, you should be able to love yourself, love your body and love your life. Allowing and encouraging your partner to have separate interests and maintain meaningful relationships with other people, and respecting their ability to do so, is an important part of loving detachment. Learning how to love yourself and be by yourself isn’t always easy, but self-love is a vital first step. As KJ Hutchings says, when you’re more loving and compassionate toward yourself, your capacity to love others in a more selfless and caring way increases, as you no longer crave love or acceptance from other people. You don’t need the other person to feel complete, but rather simply want to share your love and experiences together.

Spend time together

As detailed in HelpGuide’s tips for building a healthy relationship, it’s important to spend quality time face-to-face. Many couples may find that as the relationship progresses, the face-to-face affection of their early dating days is gradually replaced by hurried texts, emails, and instant messages. These are good for some purposes, but they don’t positively impact your brain and nervous system in the same way as face-to-face communication, so no matter how busy life gets, it’s important to carve out time to spend together. You could find something that you enjoy doing together, whether it’s a shared hobby, daily walk or shared cup of coffee in the morning, or you could try something brand new; this can be a fun way to connect and keep things interesting.

Physical intimacy

Affectionate contact boosts the body’s levels of oxytocin, a hormone that influences bonding and attachment, making physical intimacy important for maintaining relationship satisfaction. However, there is no right amount of physical affection; while sex is often a cornerstone of a committed relationship, holding hands, hugging and kissing is equally important. Just make sure to communicate your needs and intentions, and be sensitive to what your partner likes and approves of – after all, marriage or an intimate relationship isn’t automatic consent.

Appreciate the little things

Love affirmations aren’t always big overtures; real intimacy is about the smaller everyday moments: doing nice things for one another, being affectionate, saying nice things, buying gifts and spending time together. Appreciating and recognising that passionate love and care looks different for everyone is one of the most powerful things you can do to improve your relationship.

What are the signs of a toxic relationship?

Ultimately, a healthy long-term relationship should make both people feel supported and connected, while also allowing each person to maintain their independence. As a result, a toxic or unhealthy relationship is the opposite, with both partners regularly engaging in behaviours that are emotionally or physically harmful to one another. We’ve all been in a situation where a conversation with someone we love has turned, for lack of a better word, challenging, but if you’re noticing a pattern of disrespect or contempt, you may be experiencing an unhealthy relationship. In such a case, it’s best to identify the situation and seek help in relationship counselling, or end the relationship for both of your sakes.

No space or boundaries

The media often romanticises the idea of sharing every little aspect of your life with the person you love, but this isn’t realistic. While it’s important for both parties to discuss big decisions and share boundaries, they’re entitled to keep thoughts to themselves, both about their relationship and about other things. If your partner expects you to tell them everything or vice versa, that can be incredibly toxic.

Unhealthy codependency

Similarly, it’s extremely unhealthy to have an excessive reliance on a partner, to the point that you’re unable to function without them. You shouldn’t rely on your partner for every aspect of your happiness, mental health, and sense of worth – that’s codependency. Instead, you should have other relationships as well as your own individual hopes, thoughts, beliefs, and aspirations.

Fear of or addiction to arguing

Some couples talk things out quietly, while others may raise their voices and passionately disagree. The key in a strong relationship, though, is not to be fearful of conflict. Partners should always feel safe to have their own opinions, even when this means they disagree. If your partner responds to your viewpoint with dismissal, contempt, or other rudeness, this often suggests they don’t respect you or your ideas. You need to feel safe to express things that bother you without fear of retaliation, and be able to resolve conflict without humiliation, degradation or them insisting on being right.

Inability to say no during intimacy

Although this sounds very simple, saying no requires a level of honesty that most adults find really challenging. If you’re not confident in your ability to say no at the point when you need to, then it’s likely you’ll say it much earlier to avoid the situation entirely. You might not even know whether you want to say yes or no – many people in such a situation desensitise themselves so that they don’t have to feel the pain of having their boundaries stepped over, whether accidentally or deliberately. This desensitisation leads to a loss of pleasure, a loss of feeling and a loss of your sense of aliveness, and the relationship suffers as a result.

Control and obsessive love

While communication and boundaries are good, if you feel like your partner is using these to control or micromanage you, like telling you not to hang out with friends or requiring you to share passwords, that’s unhealthy behaviour and a red flag of abuse. Partners that afford you no space give you no room to flourish or have your own life, and those that manipulate and control you can really do a number on both your mental and physical health. Possessive and controlling behaviour isn’t a sign that your partner loves you, it’s a sign that they don’t value you or trust you to make your own decisions.

Unequal efforts

Healthy relationships are supposed to be fairly well balanced, with an even amount of give and take. This can relate to finances or chores, or even intangible things, such as affection, communication, and relationship expectations. While periods of inequality can happen from time-to-time, if it becomes permanently unbalanced in any way that’s not previously communicated and agreed on, this can become problematic. Things get bad really fast when a relationship turns into a power struggle, with one person fighting to get his or her way all the time. Jini Reddy warns against getting addicted to love, and recognising the difference between love and lust, otherwise you can become oblivious towards telltale signs of rejection, such as phone calls not being returned and unreciprocated affection, and end up putting wasted effort into a one-sided relationship.

So, is it worth trying to improve a troubled relationship?

In our current society, maintaining a healthy, happy relationship seems harder than ever. Data shows that more people claim to be unhappy in their marriage than ever before, with one study reporting that six out of 10 people are frustrated with their relationship. The key contributing factors? A lack of affection, busy lifestyles, communication troubles and the lure of technology. The silver lining is that plenty of couples are sticking it out through tricky times, and the Marriage Foundation found that those who do so are likely to be far happier than most 10 years later.

If you do end up breaking it off, don’t worry, it happens – it’s important to do what’s best for you, including letting go of someone you love if your relationship is harmful to each other. Moreover, research from scientists at the University of Granada found that people who look back at their past experiences full of regrets or bitterness about how they have been treated are more likely to fail, and generally have a poorer quality of life. Instead, the happiest and healthiest people are those who manage to enjoy the here and now, while making time to learn from the past and plan for the future.