Wellbeing

Patsy Kensit on how to remain zen

Our columnist explores the art of responding to challenging behaviour peacefully

No matter how zen you are, we all have behaviours from others that rile us up. Despite years of learning to walk away from conflict, I still hate rudeness and don’t spend time with people who don’t respect the word ‘no’.

Over the years I have trained myself to remember that all behaviour is communication. When someone behaves badly to a waitress, instead of judging their bad manners and lack of compunction (well, instead of totally judging it; it is horrible to see people treated that way), I try to remind myself that I know nothing about that person’s day or experiences.

Often in those moments, we’re seeing a snapshot of someone’s life, and not the whole picture. Who knows what experiences have brought someone to those choices? What are they saying? ‘I need to be seen’, ‘I need you to hear me’ or ‘I need a nap’ is often what sits behind rudeness. It’s not a flawless system but in that way, I can usually find peace.

Another important element in how we respond to challenging behaviour is looking at ourselves. Are we interpreting the behaviour correctly through the lens of our own feelings? For instance, say you see a mum in the playground you normally get on with, but today she ignores you. If you’re having a bad day or maybe feeling a bit insecure, you might assume she’s done it on purpose. You might tell yourself it’s something you’ve done, or that she’s terrible person. On a different day, when you felt good, you might think ‘I wonder if she’s ok’ and touch base with her to check.

There have been so many times in my life that I’ve assumed someone was being deliberately challenging, but a bit of time and a few gin sours and I’m able to understand it wasn’t about me at all.

Of course, saying that, there are times when people really are being challenging on purpose, in order to rile you or get their way. In those moments, I take a deep joy in refusing to give in. If someone is trying to bully you, quietly and politely holding your own is the most infuriating thing in the world. By doing this, you effortlessly reclaim your power. And never, ever join the fray. In the same way it’s never a good idea to give in to a screaming toddler, a badly behaved adult needs your loving withdrawal to teach them a better way to exist. Wish them love, let them have their tantrum, then respectfully ignore everything they do. It’s a life lesson they clearly need.

Patsy Kensit her beauty range, Preciously Perfect, is available from Ideal World. Search idealworld.tv to discover the full collection.