Wellbeing

Self Help: Why giving up is sometimes the best strategy

Sometimes throwing in the towel could be the best move you’ll ever make, says Gill Hasson

Sometimes throwing in the towel could be the best move you’ll ever make, says Gill Hasson
Imagine you paid for a series of exercise classes.After two sessions you decide it’s not your thing, but you still drag yourself there each week.

Perhaps you are in a relationship or have a friendship where you are becoming more and more unhappy. Despite the problems, you refuse to throw in the towel and instead, push on in the hope that things will get better between you.

Maybe you’re in a new job, but you hate it–it’s making you miserable. Rather than start looking for a new job, you tell yourself you should stick it out for a while longer.

Whether it’s ditching the exercise classes,leaving a bad job, or calling time on a relationship, instead of moving on to new opportunities, too often, many of us simply stay the course and sacrifice our happiness and wellbeing in the process.

Psychotherapist Donna Butler says: “Pride,fear of failure, fear of success, fear of rejection,scorn and shame are all reasons why people don’t let go.” Repetitive behaviour may also be to blame. “We can also be caught in a loop of repeated behaviour where just as we are starting to succeed we trip ourselves up with the ‘internal saboteur’ – ruining the project or finding a reason to let go too soon,” she adds.

“When you find yourself in a hole –stop digging!”Will Rogers, Social Commentator

Why can’t you let go?

Here are a few reasons we often persevere… and how to get over them!

You’ve made a commitment

In many cases it’s true that you shouldn’t give up too early. You’ve made a commitment so you think you should stick with it and put up with the difficulties. Maybe, for example, you promised your sister, who doesn’t get out that often, that you’d sign up for the exercise class and go together each week.

Let go and move on

Unless you signed a contract, there’s nothing to stop you from walking away. If your commitment was to someone else, let them down gently and suggest a way that you could make amends. For example, after telling your sister you’re pulling out of the exercise class you might say, ‘I’m sorry and I know you’re disappointed, so why don’t we meet up after you’ve been to the class, in future?’

It’s been so long already

If you’ve spent a months or years in a bad situation, it’s easy to tell yourself that you’re soused to it that you might as well carry on.

Let go and move on

If you need help thinking of what your optionsare, talk to friends and family for some freshideas. Or get some professional advice – youmight need to know your legal rights if youleave your job or partner

You can’t see another way

Often, it’s difficult to walk away from a situationif you can’t see what other path to take, especially if walking away could mean quite abig change in your life.

You might feel, for example, that if you leaveyour job now, you will never get another job.

Let go and move on

Realise that at the time, based on the available information, you made the right choice. Soyes, from what you were told and understood in the interview, the job would tick all the right boxes. Now, however, you’ve discovered that some information about the job was not explained to you.

Confessing to a mistake

Perhaps you don’t want to call it a day because you don’t want to admit that you were wrong to have put up with a bad situation for so long.Your family and friends told you that your partner was no good for you, but you refused to believe the rumours about him having an affair.

“When we have chosen something andmade a commitment to it, it can be hard to letgo because we think we are saying to ourselves ‘I was wrong’,” says psychologist Dr Ceclia d’Felice. “We have been taught that being wrong is er, well wrong. So we struggle on and feel joyless in our struggle,” she adds.

Let go and move on

At the time, your decision to take the job wasthe right one. Now you know it was a mistake. Continuing to make the same mistake would be stupid.

It’s a wise person who admits their efforts are getting them nowhere andas Cecilia d’Felice explains:“If we had a less punishing relationship with ourselves and allowed ourselves to experiment more we could free ourselves up to try things out without expectation, with no agenda other than to see what it feels like. Then if it doesn’t feel good we can let it go knowing that our feeling state is the best arbiter of our reality.

“We can then step into our possibility that we are ever closer to finding wha tis right for us by ruling out what doesn’t feel good.”

However bad the situation, you can always draw something good out of it. At the very least, you’ll have learnt something about yourself. For example, you now know that exercise classes are not for you – that to maintain your level of fitness you’re better off doing a lot more walking or something else that you do enjoy. Also, you can now see your sister more often and keep her happy because you make the effort to meet up after she’s finished the class.

You’ve got sunk costs

One of the main reasons many of us find it difficult to call it a day is because we’re thinking about ‘sunk costs’. This is the time, effort, love or money you have already put in and that you can never get back. The money you’ve paid in advance for the exercise classes, the time and effort you’ve already put into your relationship or the changes you made in your life so that you could take up the new job.

Sunk costs can fool you into sticking with something you would be best off ending, so you continue to put more time,effort or money into someone or something even though it is plainly not doing you any good.

Let go and move on

New research from the University of Illinois explains that the best and easiest way to cut your losses is to think about what you have to gain rather than what you have tolose by pulling out.

So, if you pull out of the relationship now, although it will take time to adjust, focus on the fact that you will be free to meet someone who will appreciate you, you will have more time for yourself, friends and new interests, fewer arguments, less anxiety and stress and more control over your life.

Forget the past when making a decision –the past doesn’t matter. All that matters is which option will be the best from this moment going forward.

“Letting go really means opening up,opening up to new adventures where we get to discover more and more about what we wanting our own unique world, our own reality,without shame, just exactly what is right forus,” says Cecilia. “So never feel that you are doing something wrong by changing your mind, you are simply growing and learning.”

Whatever it is that you’re holding on to,ask yourself why – is it because you really will gain something at the end or because you don’t want to lose the time, energy or money you’ve already invested? Focus on what you have to gain and move forward!

Case Study

Two years ago, Sarah Jones thought that if she wanted to further her career in marketing, she would need to get some qualifications. She enrolled on a Diploma in Marketing course.

After the first module – which was four months long – Sarah was struggling.“Attending the class once a week was not a problem,” explains Sarah. “But I needed to do a huge amount of homework each week.Trying to combine the studying and a full time job wasn’t easy but I persevered. I told myself I should keep going. But by the third module I was totally stressed out and I had little time for my friends or family.

“It began really getting on top of me, and eventually I quit. What I had already learnt on the course had enabled me to get a new role at work anyway so I decided I didn’t need the qualification. I certainly didn’t need the stress – it was making me miserable.

“I realised I could continue attending the classes but I could stop doing the home study.What really helped though was focusing on my new role at work; I applied the knowledge I had already gained from the course, to my new job. And, I managed to actually get my social life back!”

Article by

Gill Hassen

Well-being Expert

Article by

Gill Hassen

Well-being Expert