Wellbeing

Self Help: Strategies to deal with grief

When her mother died, author Helen K Emms found strength in the healing therapy, spiritual logic. Here’s how you can use it…

When her mother died, author Helen K Emms found strength in the healing therapy, spiritual logic. Here’s how you can use it…
On the 21st March 2011 my mother was diagnosed with a glioblastoma grade 4.The tumour was located on the right side of her brain in the parietal lobe area, which meant that removal was impossible. She was dying. It was just a matter of time. Watching someone you love deteriorate to the point of death can be one of the most painful experiences, yet with the help of spiritual logic we can also turn it into one of the most awesome of privileges we may ever experience.

“Remember, when we lose someone we love, we are honouring their life by continuing to thrive in our own”

Is there a right or a wrong way to grieve? I saw differences within my own family in how each of us handled the diagnosis and eventual death of our mother six months later. The question is, what stops us from seeing the death of someone we love through the eyes of celebration rather than mourning? Very simply, our human logic, which is our conditioned way of reacting and responding to the situations we face in life.

Responding to grief

We have the power to transform our conditioned way of grieving when we engage with our spiritual logic. What is it? Spiritual logic is a term that describes our higher capabilities; such as awareness, acceptance, compassion, forgiveness, unconditional love, joy and inner peace. It is about recognising things for what they are, without ego, emotive judgement, or expectation.

The first thing to know is this: we react and respond to all situations based on our conditioned way of doing things, until we ‘wake up’ to the fact that we can choose how we would like to respond. Letting go is a choice we can make, but we have to know what it is we are letting go of!

Grandchildren were mum’s passion. She didn’t get to see the birth of her second grandchild and her first, my daughter, was just 13 months old when mum died. When we went round to mum’s house to clear out a few things, Amelie walked into mum’s bedroom. The bed was cleared. Amelie looked at the bed, looked at me, threw her hands in the air and said, ‘gone’! Then she proceeded to play with all the things she would have done had mum been there. Such is the nature of seeing the world through a child’s eyes.

Letting go

Our experience of loss is fundamentally related to our capacity to ‘let go’. Amelie had not formed an attachment to her grandmother and so felt no loss. Obviously, letting go does not come that easily to most of us, especially when loss comes suddenly. But an important first step is to learn to identify our unhealthy attachments. By this I mean those attachments that are based in our ‘need’ for another person.This need is a function of our fears andi nsecurities, one of which is that we cannot survive without the other person.

Healthy attachment is possible when we live through our spiritual logic and feel connected to someone through heart-felt love together with acceptance of the impermanence of things. We are all born to die. It is the natural order of things and with death there is always the opportunity for transformation should we choose to take that path.

Learning acceptance

When we know someone we love is dying, or has died, it is too easy for our ego to take over our mind, instilling messages that have us feeling as if we haven’t done enough, that we should have said this or done that… generally making us feel great misery and guilt. We don’t want to hear the truth, that they are dying, because it breaks our heart, but it also – more importantly – busts our illusion of immortality(permanence). We feel angry because we have no control. Our sense of injustice kicks in when our ‘rules’ about how things should be are broken. We are now in a tailspin of grief. Our ego is fuelled by this pain and will keep us here for as long as we choose to believe the messages it is circulating.

Spiritual logic allows us to truly accept that life ends and death cannot be controlled. The key is to fully and openly embrace the uncertainties that exist in life, rather than building walls to protect ourselves.

A broken heart may be felt at the loss of a loved one. When we see our broken heart as a sign of our love and then also accept that we must let the physical body go, our love can remain and our heart will heal. They live on through us because they have influenced our life. Their life becomes eternal through us and the people we touch.

What then can we give our ego to hold onto so that we can let go? The fact that the influence the person had on your life will be with you forever. That you make their life more meaningful with everything you achieve in yours. From this perspective, you will always have an emotional and spiritual connection with your loved one, providing the security your ego needs to let go of the physical connection with love, peace and joy.

Article by

Helen K Emms

Author

Helen K Emms is the author of Dying to Live: A Personal Journey through Terminal Illness

Discover more

Article by

Helen K Emms

Author

Helen K Emms is the author of Dying to Live: A Personal Journey through Terminal Illness

Discover more