Wellbeing

Personalities + self development: a guide

Discover different types of personalities and how to develop your sense of self with our guide to navigating emotions and states of mind

You may have dabbled with a free online personality quiz, read up on psychology studies and the latest research, and delved into the basic psychology of the human mind via Wikipedia. But how can you improve your mental processes to live a better life? What are the Big 5 personality traits, and how can you deal with different types of people and personalities? Take a look at our guide, and get ready to become even more open-minded as you learn the psychology of people, emotions and states of mind.

Personal qualities and character traits

The ‘Big 5’ traits of human personality

Anyone who’s taken a psychology course or read an introduction to psychology and personality will know about the Big 5. These personality traits have been developed since the 1980s, and consist of the following:

Openness to experience (inventive/curious vs. consistent/cautious)
Conscientiousness (efficient/organized vs. extravagant/careless)
Extraversion (outgoing/energetic vs. solitary/reserved)
Agreeableness (friendly/compassionate vs. challenging/callous)
Neuroticism (sensitive/nervous vs. resilient/confident)

Each trait is measured on a spectrum: you can fall anywhere on the continuum for each trait. It’s believed that these Big 5 traits remain stable throughout someone’s life, and are influenced by a person’s genes and their environment. It’s also believed that a person’s traits can predict life outcomes, including education, career success and health.

As each trait is measured on a continuum, the Big 5 model aims to steer away from the binary outlook of other personality models. It invites questions around what are good personality traits or good qualities in a person, and what are bad traits. For example, neuroticism may not be seen as one of the most admirable qualities, but they are often precise in their work. Open people are admired for their curiosity, but on the other end of the spectrum, those who prefer tradition and routine are often admired for their strong-mindedness.

Interestingly, research has found that personality development continues throughout life: in fact, overall agreeableness and conscientiousness increases with age. In addition, assertiveness appears to increase with personal growth.

The research found that openness to experience and neuroticism decreased slightly from adolescence to middle adulthood.

Positive character traits: feeling gratitude

From psychologists to wellbeing gurus, nearly everyone’s in agreement that a possible solution to unhappiness is gratitude. Giving thanks for what you’ve got is not just a mawkish practice of sentimental new-agers, there’s research to back up the theory that counting your blessings can keep you positive and lift your mood. In a study published in the Journal of Personality, those with a grateful outlook as one of their personality characteristics tend to feel happier and have greater life satisfaction, better mental alertness, and experience fewer illnesses.

Examples of types of people

According to Dr. Nicola Davies, “Personality is about the essential psychological aspects of our lives – our thoughts, feelings, behaviours, skills, and motives. The term comes from the Latin word persona, meaning mask. We put on a mask or personality to portray a certain image. Everyone’s personality defines and distinguishes them from others. Despite our uniqueness, some key traits can be found across people.”

Addictive personalities

Here, Dr. Nicola Davies provides the low-down on those with addictive personalities.

People with addictive personalities get hooked on more than one activity or substance at a time, and have great difficulty stopping themselves from overindulging. In particular, this personality type is vulnerable to becoming addicted to one or a combination of the following: alcohol or drugs, gambling, religion, the internet, pornography, food, video games, work, or even exercise.

The key traits

Their addictive habits take up a lot of their time, not because these are hobbies they are passionate about, but because they are unable to control or stop their indulgence.
They tend to be loners and isolate themselves socially because they try to keep their addictions a secret.
They aren’t good at coping with emotional stress and the slightest frustrating experience, even though it may be short lived, can trigger unbearable levels of anxiety.
Most have low self-esteem, believing that they are not good enough and that they don’t fit in.
They tend to act on impulse, and struggle to deal with delayed gratification; their addictive habits offer immediate stimulation and gratification, even if it’s just for a moment.

Positive attributes

Addictive personalities tend to be more enthusiastic than the average person when it comes to seeking fulfilment and happiness.
Addictive personalities enjoy experiences to the max.
They do experiment and take risks, allowing them to experience the world more fully.

Bad qualities

Too much of a good thing, no matter how much pleasure it brings, or how healthy it might seem, is not good for anybody; addictive personalities don’t know the meaning of moderation, and struggle to curb their excesses.
They are not always pleasant to be around, because the slightest frustration or stressful situation triggers mood swings or sends them into debilitating states of depression.
Addictive personalities rely almost exclusively on the outside world – their addictions – for a sense of self-worth and meaning; their moods and attitudes are largely determined by what the world offers, hence their huge impulsiveness and unpredictability.

How to deal with an addictive personality

Try to accept, rather than deny, trivialise, ignore, or downplay the reality of the situation, and don’t get angry with yourself for loving someone with an addiction.
If you live with an addictive personality, take care of your own health; build friendships with positive, healthy people, because you will need their sanity and support.
Learn to be assertive and to say no; this might be a challenge, especially if your addictive spouse or close friend repeatedly asks for money or pressurises you into taking on their responsibilities while they are indulging in a destructive habit.

Signs you have an addictive personality

You spend an inordinate amount of time indulging a particular activity that gives you pleasure, but you also use it as a way of avoiding dealing with the stresses and anxieties in your life.
The moment you experience discomfort, feel anxious, or are under pressure, you seek relief in your addiction: you go exercising, overeat, surf the internet, consume lots of coffee, or go gambling, for example.
You deliberately isolate yourself from others to indulge your addictions because you fear embarrassment if they discover your weakness.

The victim personality

Here, Dr. Nicola Davies provides the low-down on those with a victim personality.

Individuals who habitually indulge in self-victimisation (also known as playing the victim) do so for various reasons: to control or influence other people’s thoughts, feelings and actions; to justify their abuse of others; to seek attention; or as a way of coping with situations. Although they can actually change circumstances to avoid being victimised, they won’t seize the opportunity because they want to play the role and appear as victims to others and themselves. Those who choose to play the victim display distinct characteristics.

Key personality traits

To identify a victim, look out for the following characteristics:

They tend to manipulate or abuse others verbally or physically, but then blame the other person (the real victim) for provoking the abuse.
They influence or control other people’s sympathy to gain compassion or support.
They form friendships or intimate relationships with those who disrespect, mistreat or abuse them, to convince themselves and the world of their unfortunate status.
They tend to avoid taking responsibility for their life; instead blaming others for their mistreatment or unfortunate circumstances.
They think and talk a lot about how others take advantage of their kindness.

Admirable qualities

There aren’t many positives to the victim personality, but two ways in which you might benefit from the victim are:

They can make us feel important and valuable. Since they believe they are incapable of taking care of their own needs, they will always need your support with something.
They long to be trustworthy and will make every effort to stick to their promises or complete any tasks you ask of them.

Negative traits

When in the company of the victim personality, be on the lookout for the following behaviour:

Their crippling dependency on friends or co-workers for support and sympathy can be draining, and you cannot be sure if they actually appreciate your sympathetic responses and efforts.
They can evoke anger and aggression in you, especially after you realise you have been duped into giving them sympathy when it should have gone to the real victim of their abuse.
They instinctively draw out the caring, nurturing, and protective qualities in people, only to set them up for manipulation or abuse.
Sometimes they will take extreme measures to get attention, like emptying a spouse’s bank account because they feel neglected or sending hate emails to themselves and then accusing others of sending them.

Do you play the victim?

You are playing the victim when you often:

Justify your aggression against others by believing they deserve it.
Refuse to take responsibility for your own happiness or misery – it’s the world that’s a bad place, and no one can truly be trusted.
Find yourself in relationships where others mistreat you, so you can feel justified in your victim role.
Nag, complain, harass, and beseech others until they give in to your demands.
Commonly turn to the phrase, ‘You’re the only one who can help me.’
Sometimes go to extremes to get revenge for perceived or actual abuse, like destroying your own property and falsely accusing someone else of being responsible.
Provoking aggressive behaviour from others, but downplaying or ignoring your role in it.
Feel anxious about the very idea that you can exert a positive influence over your own life without the support of others.

How to deal with a victim personality

After a while, you will start to avoid their child-like dependency. When you do cut ties, they will feel victimised and the cycle will continue. Remember that self-victimisers play a role that has always worked for them. By empathetically and consistently challenging them, as well as emphasising those non-victim aspects of them that you like, a victim can be helped to change. An example of empathetically challenging a victim would be to ask a question that makes them reconsider their situation, such as, ‘You say he became aggressive. What happened just before he became aggressive?’ An example of valuing the non-victim traits of the individual include statements such as, ‘I like it when you show this positive attitude. It suits you.’

The people-pleaser

Dr. Nicola Davies explores the people-pleaser personality in depth in this article, complete with key traits and ways of coping with this personality.

The clown

Dr. Nicola Davies explores the clown personality in depth in this article, and investigates the positive personality traits as well as the negative personality traits associated with a clown.

Why is personal development important?

Grow as a person: become self aware

For women’s health expert Emma Cannon, moving past the ego is the key to self-awareness. Here are her five steps to greater self-growth.

Get past your ego and out of your head

Every time you get stuck in your mind with a question or a sabotaging thought, bring your awareness back to the feeling in your body and get curious about it. Ask yourself: what is this feeling? Have I had this feeling before? Be present. Be in the here and now; it is the only truth that exists.

Notice when you are defensive

Ask yourself: what am I defending myself against? Is this feeling of being attacked or criticised real, or is it my ego? When did it begin? Does this current situation really justify this strong surge of emotion, or is it activating something old in me?

Retreat and relax before bed

The hours before bedtime are very important. When we sleep we process and digest the day. Before you go to sleep, pull your energy inwards and try not to engage in the difficult thoughts or situations that you have been grappling with during the day. Give your mind a new and positive thought to integrate while you sleep. For example, ‘I’m going to land that dream job’, or ‘everything that aligns to my purpose will eventually come to me with ease’. Your higher consciousness will spend the night trying to make these thoughts a reality.

Look in the mirror and assess your beliefs

Spend some moments gazing into your eyes in the mirror, and write down three words that come into your mind. Make them as descriptive as possible; these words reveal the deeply-held beliefs you have about yourself. They may be things that you need to let go of, or things you wish to build on. Either way, it can be very revealing and help to bring things into your awareness.

Ask for help

Remember you can ask your higher self for help. Ask for a sign and begin to trust the synchronicity and timing of your life. Even simply asking for a sign is an indication that you are evolving out of ego state and moving towards intuition. Signs in the world around us only ever confirm what is already within us, and have been there all along waiting to be rediscovered.

How to become less critical

Women’s health expert Emma Cannon describes one of the most important personal development areas: how to move past the inner critic within your comfort zone. Here are her insights into becoming less critical.

When we criticise someone, we are also criticising ourselves. People that criticise a lot are usually the most self-critical, too. This negativity always comes from a place of lacking and vulnerability. It’s important to break free from this.

Think about how often you criticise others or yourself, either internally or out loud. Don’t seek to judge yourself in this exercise, just observe. The purpose of doing this isn’t to find right or wrong, it is simply to look at the reasons for this behaviour and to try to understand where the need arises from. Where is my insecurity in this dynamic? Where is it hiding? I believe most of our self-criticism, and criticism of others, is actually a strange form of self-protection because it isolates us.

To change this behaviour, we must work to have loving kindness and compassion for ourselves and others. I have always found that writing things down helps me get through difficult issues or dilemmas. You might be practical, for example, and write a list of the pros and cons of a situation. I find writing in an expressive way helps me to understand the emotion behind certain situations. This is not about being more critical, it’s about shifting the focus of your thinking and moving into that of understanding. This is a letter to yourself.

Tips for banishing the inner critic

Spend several minutes allowing yourself to be in your most compassionate and kind state. Do not allow judgement or criticism to enter your mind.

When you begin to write, start with an acknowledgment of what you are feeling. Validating feelings is an important part of this process – recognising that the feelings are understood and giving them validity will bring great healing. Finally, when finishing off, remember that this is not a list of shoulds and should nots, and it is not another way to beat yourself up – it is about finding compassion and kindness.

This exercise is adapted from The Compassionate Mind by Paul Gilbert:

It is not just others’ words that affect us, it is the words that we choose to use that resonate back at us. For instance, if you say ‘that person is ugly and rude,’ what you are doing is making those words reflect back at you. The person you are talking to does not immediately think of the person you are talking about, they think of you and the critical words you are using. Here are some pointers:

The words you use will reflect back on you and become a representation of who you are. Express your thoughts with care.
Try to avoid negative language or exaggerate needlessly – ‘my journey back from work was horrific!’ for example. It’s unlikely that this is true, and you bring the general mood down. ‘Horrific’ is a word to describe terrible atrocities, not difficult journeys.
Engage in the sharing of interesting and creative ideas, and always exercise active listening: be really present in the moment with others. Don’t engage in fault-finding and criticism.
Speak and choose your words from a place of love and compassion. Don’t be a victim; take responsibility for yourself and don’t play the blame game. Don’t moan – moaning is catching and people that moan just attract more negativity. Plus, arguably, it’s boring for everyone else.
Don’t gossip – only boring people gossip. It’s a very low-level pastime! Tell people about beautiful or positive things you have seen, or a kind act that you have witnessed.
Positive affirmations help us create positive realities, enabling us to set personal goals and achieve them. Use words with positive vibrations; words of quality and integrity. Avoid using dramatic statements like ‘I was spitting blood’ or ‘he was a pain in the neck.’
Don’t use words to attack. Don’t be on the defensive; many people are so focused on being right that they forget that being happy is one of our most important personal objectives.

How to let go of perfectionism

According to women’s health expert Emma Cannon, perfectionism can often hide a troubled side of someone’s personality. Read on to discover why she thinks we should all embrace a little more imperfection.

The perfectionist is very concerned with an idealised version of his or her surroundings or the people in their life. But perfectionism can often hide a darker, more troubled side to a personality. The standard is set so high that they will drive themselves and everyone else into the ground trying to maintain it.

Behind many perfectionists there is low self-esteem and a lack of self-love. Many perfectionists are actually quite self-centered, and in their quest to appear perfect, they often try to hide their errors as they wrongly think of them as weaknesses or failings.

Being a perfectionist is very stressful. Being second-best is not an option – you miss out on trying things in case you aren’t good at them. There is no grey area with you – just black and white, good and bad. You are very defensive because you cannot take any criticism, seeing it only in a negative light and feeling judged by others.

Perfectionism in young people

According to the World Health Organisation, a record number of young adults are suffering from depression and anxiety disorders. It is not hard to see how this can be when you understand the pressure they are under to be perfect and liked. But it is not only the external forces, it is more often the pressure that they put upon themselves to be perfect that causes the problems.

It is not enough to achieve academic success: professional achievement is expected at a young age, as well as a perfect appearance and a seemingly perfect life. The myth that we should all be living perfect lives is making a whole generation of young people emotionally unwell.

I was lucky to have a father who taught me that it is OK to fail, and believe me, I have failed many, many times in my life. I failed at school, in my early professional choices, and multiple times in my early relationships. Some of my failures have been embarrassing and some have cost me financially. But all have ultimately been the best teachers I have had. I am grateful that I did not grow up in a time where my whole life was scrutinised publicly, and the need to be acknowledged, recognised and perfect was a real and present pressure.

As a parent, I am often secretly delighted to see my children achieve less than perfect results, as it usually leads to them being more creative and inventive and finding their own way through problems. These are skills for life: they build resilience and they ultimately equip you for the journey. Real life, not life lived out on social media.

Ironically, perfectionism can actually result in a kind of paralysis that prevents us from achieving what we desire. It leads to rumination and procrastination, and this is a killer of growth and development. The temptation not to give new projects a go due to the risk of failure is very real for the perfectionist. The fear of failure is so strong that it actually serves to keep people small. And according to new research, it increases the risk of suffering from mental health issues.

Tips for avoiding the perfectionist trap

Take risks and let go of the need for the outcome to be perfect.
Remember times when you have succeeded at something.
Avoid self-criticism and criticism of others.
Love your whole self, including the imperfect parts.
Start to see your imperfections as uniqueness.
Learn to re-frame mistakes as life lessons from which you will ultimately grow.
Don’t overthink things. Remember procrastination is the killer of transformation.

A mantra for perfectionists

Strive for excellence, not perfection. Aiming for the best you can do is a positive motivator. Remember that when you strive for perfection, you demoralise yourself, your work and your life, and set yourself up for failure. Work on your self-esteem and, as cliché as it sounds, realise that nobody is perfect!