One of the worst things about my menopause was the sense I’d lost a part of myself. I went from feeling young and reasonably confident, to stricken with acute memory loss and hormonal overwhelm, overnight. I had no idea what on earth was happening, no clue when it would end and at times, no ability to regulate my spiralling panic.
It was hideous, and I was relieved when my wonderful hormone specialist, Dr Amelia Annaradnam, managed to find a replacement hormonal blend that supported my needs.
Slowly but surely a version of me I recognised re-emerged from the fog, and I felt more assured. But I was never quite ‘me’ in the same way I was before. I was more cautious, less trusting and a lot more boundaried about saying ‘no’ when I needed to (a very good thing).
Exploring my new abilities and limitations was in equal turns exciting and frustrating. Initially I determined that ‘nothing would change’ and I could ‘carry on like before’. But it had. I had to learn about the ‘new’ me. The huge transition that is the menopause, coupled with my traumatic entry to it, had permanently shifted my sense of self.
It all sounds quite dramatic, and at the time it was, but it’s something every woman goes through, many times. Unlike men, we’re designed for transition. We work in cycles of change and growth and renewal, which means we go through huge shifts many times throughout our lives.
The idea that there’s one ‘perfect’ version of us simply can’t work. We change as we go through puberty, if we have children, through our menstrual cycles. We shift again as our children fly the nest, and as we move through menopause to what the brilliant Caryn Franklin MBE calls our ‘crone’ years (sounds hideous, but I love the idea of it secretly).
That’s before we address the changes brought about by life experiences. My own brush with cancer at a similar age to my mum shifted my perspective on mortality and priorities hugely. Many times afterwards, I wished I could get back to being ‘me’. But what I meant was ‘I wish I hadn’t had to go through the upheaval of what I’ve just experienced’.
It’s a hard truth to accept, but to love yourself (or even just to feel at peace with who you really are) you have to recognise that a ‘real’ version of you doesn’t exist. You are constantly evolving and much of the work in self-kindness comes from getting really good with your internal shifts. If you have a big life experience, you’ll never be who you were before, it’s simply not possible, but that’s ok. The new you can be wonderful in her own way too.
The other universal truth of all humans is that we’re never just one person. We all play multiple roles. Mother, wife, lover, friend, boss. And within those roles we may shift our personality slightly according to who we’re with and what we’re doing. That doesn’t mean we’re not being our ‘real’ selves. There are lots of versions of us and each is of as much value. ‘Grumpy, tired mum’ is as much a true part of yourself as ‘carefree and fashionable 20-yearold’. The difference is you feel one is more acceptable and palatable then the other. To truly enjoy our real selves, we must embrace the idea that being happy all the time isn’t possible and it’s ok to be imperfect.
Loving all the versions of yourself means accepting your right to choose what your life looks like and your own needs and wants within that.
Patsy Kensit Her beauty range, Preciously Perfect, is available from Ideal World. Search idealworld.tv to discover the full collection.
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