Holistic healing

Patsy Kensit: Be More Boundaried

Our columnist explores the power of knowing your worth and setting your boundaries

How good are your boundaries? Do you respect them? Are you good at communicating them with others? Chances are, if you’re female, over 30 and you have any kind of self-esteem issues, the answer is likely to be ‘no’.

I’ve been fortunate to meet some amazing coaches, counsellors and psychiatrists through the course of my career and all of them cite the importance of boundaries when it comes to maintaining good mental health.

However, as a woman who grew up before the ‘me too’ generation, I know first-hand how very hard it is to be boundaried when saying ‘no’ means getting yourself labelled.

Regular readers of this column will know of my own experience, which came when I agreed to go ahead with a TV interview at the height of my menopause battle. I was dealing with horrendous side effects from a treatment the previous day and I simply couldn’t speak.

I was so ill that day, but I felt I couldn’t let everyone down and got utterly roasted by the tabloid press, who put a very unpleasant twist on my struggle.

Whilst it was a hideous experience, in hindsight it was the best thing that could happen as it was the start of my own journey to knowing absolutely when to say no. Until very recently, we women have been taught to be nice and most importantly, ‘likeable’. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that per se, but it often comes at the expense of our boundaries.

If we choose to challenge the status quo, we can sometimes be labelled difficult or rude. And when your entire social value comes from being accepted and liked, neither of those words make boundaries easy.

It starts as children, when we’re told to be nice or polite to people who are mean to us (or who make us uncomfortable). By the time we’re adults, we’ve stopped feeling like we know who we are.

It makes me sad that so many women who struggle with other women, do so because they’re own boundaries have been trampled so many times, they don’t know how to accept them from others either.

The grandparent who insists on caring for their new grandchild their way, even though they’ve been asked not to is a prime example.

Great boundaries start from a place of strong self-esteem. If you know your worth, it’s easy to ask to be treated in a way that’s fair.

The good news is that learning to express your boundaries can happen at any age.

Simply start with something small. Don’t want to go to that event your friend has arranged? Say you can’t. No excuses, no lying to get out of it. Just no, sorry.

Because the truth is, you don’t owe anyone explanations for the choices you make. All of our lives are finite. We get the time we get and what happens after that is a mystery. Whether you understand it or not, you are precious simply because of your unique and brief time here.

Patsy Kensit Her beauty range, Preciously Perfect, is available from Ideal World. Search idealworld.tv to discover the full collection.

Article by

Patsy Kensit

Actress, singer and model

Patsy Kensit’s beauty range, Preciously Perfect is available from Ideal World. Search idealworld.tv to discover the full collection.

Discover more

Article by

Patsy Kensit

Actress, singer and model

Patsy Kensit’s beauty range, Preciously Perfect is available from Ideal World. Search idealworld.tv to discover the full collection.

Discover more