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Finding the one: 6 steps to lasting love

Psychologist Beverley Stone reveals the six essential steps to getting your dream relationship

Psychologist Beverley Stone reveals the six essential steps to getting your dream relationship
Are you someone who’s tearing yourself apart, unable to decide whether to leave your partner or to stay? This dilemma feels terrible, dominates your life and is always in your thoughts. Because you can see both sides of the argument, this constant swinging from go to stay leaves you mentally exhausted, emotionally drained and physically ill.

Your reasons to leave may be that after many years together, you and your partner are now good friends but nothing more. Or your partner is no longer emotionally or physically there for you. Maybe he’s been damaging your confidence, sanity and health through mental or physical abuse. Or he’s not quite right. Or not right. Your partner may be holding values and attitudes about politics, society or people that are no longer compatible with yours. Or you’ve put up with his being unacceptably antisocial and rude for the sake of the children but now they no longer live with you, you don’t want to put up with it anymore. Maybe there’s someone else that you’re attracted to.

On the other hand, your reasons to stay may include the fact that you still think your partner has potential, or you’re worried about coping financially without him. Or you don’t want to upset and disrupt your children. You may be worrying about your biological clock ticking and worried that you won’t find anyone better in time to have a baby. Or you fear being alone. You may have invested in a house and possessions together and so the upheaval that leaving would entail is unthinkable. Possibly your partner is lovely some of the time and everyone likes him and you feel you’re being unreasonable to abandon him. Though you constantly think about staying and demanding new ground rules or leaving to make a new life, you do neither. Why not? Because whichever choice you make, the uncertainty of the outcome of a change surfaces fear and apprehension.

Think it through

If you stay you may fear:

Wasting even more of your life with someone who doesn’t make you happy
Making yourself ill because you’re constantly fighting and don’t seem to resolve anything
Never becoming everything you could be because your partner doesn’t encourage you to ‘fly’

If you leave you may fear:

Upsetting your children who may feel torn between you
Upsetting your partner’s retirement plans, just when he thought you could enjoy spending time together
Your friends and family disapproving of your decision to go, and blaming you

So why should you even think about exposing yourself to such anxiety? Because the alternative is that, by remaining indecisive, your life will always be as unsatisfying as it is now.

So how can I help you to take the risk? I do this by challenging you with the question: How does it feel now –standing still in life,not taking the risk, playing it safe and being inthe same position, year after year. Yes, stressful!

The harsh reality is that either way – jumping into the abyss of trying to improve your relationship or standing still and doing nothing –you cannot escape stress so you must stop trying.Surely the reward of taking a risk and finally becoming the person you want to be, living the life you want to live, is worth the struggle. You can no longer sit and do nothing, because you are already regretting wasting your life. So try taking these six key life-changing steps to making yours an affirming relationship:

“How does it feel now, standing still in life, not taking the risk?”

6 KEY LIFE-CHANGING STEPS TO HARMONY

Step 1:

Be authentic – take the risk of being yourself (not what everyone else wants you to be)

To do this, you need to ask yourself ‘Will I commit to a course of action and engage in my relationship as my own person? Or will I merely continue as I am now – occupying roles and going through the motions without real commitment?’ We often stop ourselves saying what we think, being who we are or doing what we want because we know the people around us won’t like it and prefer to avoid the inevitable flak and conflict.Become aware of how you handle conflict. Do you avoid it, or give in, compromise or fight? Find the courage to take the risk of finally speaking up and getting the truth on the table openly, compassionately and collaboratively together.

Step 2:

Accept anxiety as a positive human experience (stop giving in to it)

The idea of taking this first step can make you feel anxious. Step two is to learn how to check anxiety and use it constructively, not as a symptom of looming catastrophe but as ‘life’s energy’. To be anxious in the right way, you must first accept that your anxiety is caused by things that go on inside your head rather than outside it. As Epictetus said in 100 AD: “Men are not disturbed by things but by the views they take of them.” When you feel anxious about demanding new ground rules, write down what you are saying to yourself to create your fight or flight reaction. Things like, ‘It’ll only start a row’, ‘He’ll never understand my point of view’, ‘This is too much for me to deal with’ and replace it with positive self-talk such as ‘I won’t like his reaction so what am I going to do about it?’ ‘I can do this skilfully, if I just remain calm, empathic and rational,’ and so on. You’ll find that your heart rate decreases as you get into a positive, can-do frame of mine, which will motivate you to make your move.

Step 3:

Make your life a meaningful one (not one that you’ll end up regretting)

It may well be that your relationship has become difficult because you now live together with an unspoken contract,an expectation that, for example, you don’t say what you mean, don’t do what you say, don’t respect or listen to each other, play games, manipulate,don’t make time for each other or create a caring and supportive climate. During your conversation, agree to make a new explicit contract. Each write a list under the following headings “This is what you can expect of me,” and “This is what I expect of you”. Show each other your lists and decide what you will keep, reject and negotiate. Put the agreed lists somewhere that you can both see them, such as on the fridge. Then review how you’re doing every fortnight. Very soon you’ll find that these new behaviours become your new, affirming way of being together and that you no longer need to make lists

Step 4:

Take responsibility (no blaming others)

We often blame others for the situation we find ourselves in. Yet in reality if you choose to put everyone else first, you could equally choose not to, and so however hard it is to live with this fact, we are in reality freely making choices and are therefore responsible for our current predicament.One way we trap ourselves is through an unconscious internal conflict between our Confident You that tells you “I can do anything with my life, just go for it” and our Cautious You that then kicks in with “But, what if I fail? Anything for peace, it’s not that bad.” To bring this internal dialogue to consciousness, try writing down a dialogue between. Begin with Confident You talking to Cautious You using the words “I resent you because…” When you feel you’ve said enough, be Cautious You and reply. Keep this dialogue going until you sense understanding, harmony a way forward to resolve inner conflict.

Step 5:

Un-hypnotise your self by changing the language you use

Remember you always have a choice (you’re not as trapped as you think you are)Step five demonstrates how you convince yourself that you are trapped by weighty obligations and stifling routine; that you have no choice. Each time you find yourself using the words: ‘I can’t take the risk and upheaval of demanding new ground rules for our relationship’ try replacing them with ‘I won’t take the risk and upheaval of demanding new ground rules for our relationship’. Or “I can’t do anything about my life’, try saying “I won’t do anything about my life.’ By adopting this technique you suddenly feel powerful, realising that you have always been free to do anything with your life. You’ve just been hypnotising yourself with your own language.

Step 6:

Live by your own values and standards (not everyone else’s)

You cannot continue to live your life by trying to live up to other people’s values, standards and expectations. Your perfect is not my perfect.Your acceptable way of life may not be mine. So as to clarify those values you want to live by that will give your life meaning, ask yourself ‘What would I do if I knew I only had six months to live?’ Or if your answer is simply ‘I’d travel’ which doesn’t get you very far try ‘What would I do if I knew I only had five years to live?’ I guarantee that you wouldn’t remain swinging back and forth on a seesaw of stagnation,dissatisfaction and doubt, would you?!

Article by

Beverley Stone

Beverley Stone is a chartered psychologist,accredited relationship therapist and an associate fellow of the British Psychological Society

Discover more

Article by

Beverley Stone

Beverley Stone is a chartered psychologist,accredited relationship therapist and an associate fellow of the British Psychological Society

Discover more