How comfortable are you with feeling out of control? If the answer is, ‘not at all,’ we hear you. So many of us are constantly working to tame our inner control freaks. But before we start berating ourselves for this trait, first let’s take a moment to step back and be compassionate.
Remember that we are still processing the fallout from Covid – when we were not allowed to socialise, travel, hug and were bombarded with messages from the media reminding us to keep our distance, wash our hands, and generally ‘stay safe’. As our lives and worlds became smaller, we were able to exert more control over our environments than ever before. From interior design makeovers and online yoga sessions, to WFH wearing pyjamas and only interacting with others through screens, we were the architects of our own surroundings. And as many of us struggled with isolation during this time, plenty of people found comfort in that control. At a time when the world seemed utterly out of control, we could be in charge of life behind closed doors.
It’s no surprise then, that since the world has opened up lots of people have felt more uncomfortable than ever being thrust into the messy merry-go-round of life. Which begs the question: how can we let go of the need to be in the driving seat and find calm in the chaos?
Know your why
First, we need to consider the reasons why some of us can feel so uncomfortable when we’re not running the show or planning for every eventuality. “People often feel like they need to be in control due to a number of circumstances. It can be related to living with anxiety or pain and illness, therefore trying to control everything gives a sense or feeling of being safe,” says Mark Smith, founder of mindfulness-based wellbeing company Kalm Horizons .
As Mark goes on to explain, this fleeting sense of comfort is misplaced: “It can give the feeling of being able to shape our destiny or future. But this is fiction, as we are never totally in control of anything. The sense of discomfort comes from fear of the unknown and fear of acceptance.”
Free your mind
The key, then, is to get comfortable with the unknown, rather than fear it. How can this be done? “Practising mindfulness can help us to learn to let go of things that are holding us back,” Mark tells us. “It also opens us up to a sense of acceptance. Accepting what’s here, and life as it is a very powerful tool. It helps us relinquish the desire for control and lets us feel comfortable with life as it is right now. This in turn enables people to accept the unknown as they enter a state of equanimity.”
Journey onward
So now we know that a regular mindfulness practice can support us in achieving a more accepting attitude to what is, and calmer head space, reducing the desire to be in control in the long term. There are also mindfulness tools available to help control worries over being ‘out of control’ for fast relief in a variety of situations.
Take travel for example. This summer’s chaos at airports, ferry crossings and disruption from rail strikes has created added anxiety for many when travelling – as queues, crowds and cancellations are always out of our hands.
Commenting on travellers’ anxieties on the London Underground in particular, psychotherapist and founder of Ed Can Help Edward Sim says: “It’s not at all surprising that people find journeys on the Tube stressful. It combines all of the elements which many people find difficult: a cramped space, being surrounded by strangers, invasion of personal space, often high temperatures, long dark tunnels and being ‘out of control’ in the sense that you have no influence over the driver.”
“I’ve experienced anxiety on the tube before and it’s a difficult place to be in but there are lots of solutions to help you cope,” says Eoin Keenan, founder of Goodrays natural CBD products. One of the things Eoin recommends is CBD Gummies (£24.95, goodrays.com) as cannabidoil can help to alleviate anxiety. “CBD is becoming a popular choice because it’s natural and convenient.”
In the moment
Whatever it is that sends you spiralling from a sense of powerlessness, the same tools to overcome them can be applied for on-the-spot relief. Eoin suggests grounding exercises to calm feelings of nervousness and claustrophobia. “Grounding exercises are about using senses – sight, hearing, smell, taste, touch – to reconnect our mind and body in the present moment.” Try stamping your feet to notice the sensation and sound as you connect with the ground. This helps you feel grounded with your surroundings and can calm anxiety.
What’s really important is to not avoid places or situations simply because you cannot control them. “Avoidance fuels anxiety, it never reduces it,” Edward warns. But with the right tools and techniques you’ll be better equipped to cope with those challenges. Of course, if your controlling ways are becoming a problem, it’s best to seek help from a professional, possibly in the form of talking therapies. To find out more about talking therapies, turn to page 94. We can all live happier, healthier lives if we find that stillness inside of us and become comfortable with the unknown.
Breathwork: Your secret weapon
Breathing techniques can be used anywhere to help bring you into the present moment and calm anxiety. Some techniques recommended by Eoin include:
Lengthening your exhale: exhaling helps your parasympathetic nervous system, which influences our body’s ability to relax and calm down. Abdomen breathing: breathing from your diaphragm can help reduce the amount of work your body needs to do to breathe. Focus on each breath: when deep breathing is focused and slow, it can distract your mind and help reduce stress.
