“Be a good girl, you’ve gotta try a little harder, that simply wasn’t good enough to make us proud,” wrote Alanis Morissette her 1995 hit Perfect from the album Jagged Little Pill . The song is about pushy parents – the final line being: “We’ll love you just the way you are, if you’re perfect.” Yet the sentiment of never feeling good enough is something that stays with many of us – often women in particular – throughout our adult lives too.
Traits of perfectionists include being highly critical of yourself (and others), working excessively hard, being very controlling, getting fixated with lists and rules, procrastination, risk aversion and fear of failure. Tendencies towards perfectionism can also show up physically in your body in the form of tightness in your jaw, teeth grinding and tension in the shoulders because of difficulties relaxing and letting go.
Bad habits
So how do we go about breaking up with perfectionism? “It all starts with awareness – like every pattern, habit or thought we want to change, we have to first become aware of it, really truly aware,” says confidence and mindset coach Hattie MacAndrews, who works to empower women to make fearless choices (hattiemacandrews.com ). “Aware of what it looks like for us, how it shows up, and what impact it is having on our life. This awareness becomes our motivation for change. Once you have recognised how your perfectionist tendencies are negatively impacting your behaviour, your drive to limit them increases.”
If you suspect that you’re falling into the trap of perfectionism, Hattie suggests writing things down to get a clearer picture. “You could try writing a list of all the ways – negatively and positively – that these thoughts impact you, and if the negative outweighs the positive, then that’s your cue,” she says. “It’s time to change your mindset.” But what causes this type of unhealthy internal dialogue in the first place? “Perfectionism is more often than not, deeplyrooted in fear – fear of not being good enough, fear of failure or a fear of not being perceived in a certain way,” Hattie explains.
“In other words, it’s a form of imposter syndrome,” she continues. “This, for perfectionists, manifests itself in many different ways, one of which can be setting excessively high goals – which are undoubtedly not met, and hence lead to increased low self-esteem, self-doubt and a determination to do, or be better next time. When you look at this example, it’s clear to see that this way of life is neither fulfilling, productive, healthy or sustainable.”
As well as low self-esteem, the stress and anxiety caused by perfectionism is linked to issues such eating disorders, sleep disturbances, and psychological distress, says research published in The Journal of Clinical Psychology .
Breaking free
Once you accept that perfectionist thoughts effectively only serve to set you up for failure and negativity, you can begin to use this as fuel to change your mindset. “You can choose to continue to think, feel and act this way – that you’re a failure and your work will never be good enough, or you can choose to change,” says Hattie. “To be kinder to yourself, more accepting of your (perceived) flaws and understand that you are only human, doing the best you can. It sounds so simple, but feels so daunting, to accept that there is no such thing as perfect. You will never reach your idea of perfection – because it will always keep you slightly at arm’s length.”
When you let go of the idea of being perfect you free yourself to understanding that things go wrong sometimes, and it doesn’t matter. “Learn to take your mistakes in your stride, to strengthen your mindset to handle feedback, and to know that it’s all part of the process,” Hattie points out. “Celebrate your achievements, big, small or messy. Look to find contentment in your efforts, and with this you will start to cultivate selfconfidence. Learn to embrace the uncertainty, and remember that you are perfectly imperfect.”
Natural woman
One way to help you adapt your mindset is to look to the natural world as your guide. You wouldn’t expect flawless, uniform fruit and vegetables, would you? Would a cherry tree berate herself for not producing as much fruit as last season? No, none of us are perfect beings, so to set your standards to flawlessness is futile. Nature is an effective way to ground yourself and remind you that imperfection is still wondrous, beautiful, powerful and an inevitable part of life. So, forget being a good girl and embrace your inner wild woman.
Re-wild your mind
Connecting with nature can be an antidote to perfectionism. In the book Awakening Artemis, author Vanessa Chakour describes how nature heals and centres her…
“I say ‘I love you’ to myself every morning. I say it to my body, my mind, my loved ones and mother nature. I greet my environment and often greet each direction — east, the direction of the rising sun and the element of air; south, the direction of the high noon sun and fire; west, the direction of the setting sun and water; and north, the direction of midnight and earth. I greet the sky above and ground below and orient myself in the centre of it all. This practice helps me to know where I am in relation to the natural world.
“Barefoot contact with the earth can produce nearly instant physiological changes. Our species evolved in direct contact with the earth’s subtle electric charge, but we have lost that sustained connection because we spend our time in buildings, wearing heels or synthetic soles. I know life doesn’t stop at the soles of my feet, so I take a moment to close my eyes and tune in, feeling the pulse of life beneath me where root systems are engaged in a vast web of underground communication. I take a deep breath, exhale and let go. I picture the depth and mystery of the fertile darkness below and ask permission to plug into her source energy, my source energy. Asking permission in my own way connects me to the living earth with reverence and awakens my intuition as I wait for an answer. When I feel ready, I imagine roots growing down through my tailbone or the soles of my feet and into fertile ground. I take a moment to visualise my roots and notice how deep into the soil they dive and if they are intertwined with the roots of trees, strands of fungi, or other plants around me. Once I’ve plugged in, I draw life force energy all the way into my body with each inhale, further dislodging stagnant energy and helping me to rise tall into my full height and full strength like the stalk of a second-year burdock plant. As I exhale, I compost anything I need to release. I do this as long as I need to and then thank the earth in my own way. Roots supply us with the energy of survival, inviting stability and balance into our bodies and lives. And when we ground, we calm. The more grounded we are, the more we can let go and still stand firmly in our power.”
Edited extract from Awakening Artemis: Deepening Intimacy with the Living Earth and Reclaiming Our Wild Nature by Vanessa Chakour (£16.99, Penguin)
