The UK’s leading Taoist master on how to keep calm when dealing with difficult people.
The UK’s leading Taoist master on how to keep calm when dealing with difficult people.
Suddenly I’m out of my car, even without warning to myself, like a man possessed. It took about 10 strides before my 35 years of assiduous beast-control training kicked in. At which point I suddenly remembered that this recalcitrant toe-rag was actually the divine in disguise with an important message for me, presumably about finding better ways for clearing obstructions in my life.
When I arrived at his open window, rather than dragging him through it and bopping him on the nose, which had been the initial picture in my mind, I bent down respectfully and pointed out his ignoring me and obstructing my way was not only rude and inconsiderate but illegal, and asked him politely to reverse to rectify the situation. He simply continued sitting there ignoring me, at which I surmised he was in a deeply troubled, alienated state and unless I was up for offering an on-the-spot healing, which I wasn’t, it would be best to stop taking it all personally and return to my car to somehow negotiate a reverse with the line-up of cars that had been behind me. But, lo and behold, turning to walk back, I realised they’d all already reversed and cleared the way for me.
I mention it partly as it took me by surprise, the way that even with all that training I still had a propensity for succumbing to my primal instincts. More importantly, it’s to demonstrate how you can allow anger to subside by gradually realising nothing is meant personally but is always an expression of inner suffering of some sort. Remember that, had it not been you at the receiving end, it would have been someone else, and there’s invariably a solution at hand. You just need to let go and relax about the situation and allow your natural kindness to hold sway instead.
I also mention it to demonstrate how, even with all the training, it still requires an active choice, that it’s not easy and that I’m not preaching as if I’m some kind of saint.
When someone is apparently doing you down or making your life miserable, it’s not easy dropping the hatred (blatant hatred or the more insidious form: resentment) in favour of compassion and understanding. We have our pride and need to be respected and it’s hard getting over that, I know. But by understanding that their actions were engendered from suffering and being willing to access compassion over it, you open a portal into the healing realm and all sorts of miraculous changes occur spontaneously in the situation.
1. See the wounded child
The way to begin is to imagine that all of us are still children in the school playground, each of us still secretly smarting from separation from our mother, each of us at least mildly traumatised by the rough and tumble of newly discovered, still relatively unfamiliar, hence daunting daily life. Once you see the other as a wounded child, compassion is only a short step away.
2. Recognise the divine presence
The next thing in this process is to see the other person as the Buddha, the divine presence, in disguise as a human being acting out in negative ways simply to reflect the negative ways that you are secretly acting out against yourself. The idea being here that you can spot it and heal it.
3. Release tensions
To help this along, it’s useful to release tension from the solar plexus area, as it’s here the anger is generated and stored up, mostly in the liver. To effect this, grab hold of your lowermost front ribs on both side and gently prize them apart to the sides, thus widening the base of your ribcage a tad. It’ll feel slightly uncomfortable at first as you feel into the muscular contraction, but presents no danger, provided you’re not inordinately strong and psychotic. Keep breathing slowly as you do this and at the end of the third exhalation, let go of the ribs suddenly, whereupon you’ll feel a wonderful sensation of warm release.
4. Rid yourself of anger
To release latent anger from the system, sit or stand squarely, relax your throat, relax everything, inhale, make fists, bring your fists into your solar plexus, hold the breath for the count of three and on three, shout a short, sharp, “HAH!”, allowing the sound to erupt from all the way down in your pelvic floor and pass freely through your throat and mouth. As you make the sound, open the fists and thrust both palms forwards as if smashing a wall down with them.
5. Find the compassionate Buddha points
To encourage the flow of compassion to take the place of anger, press firmly into the dead centre of each palm with the thumb of the opposite hand for 30 seconds on each hand. These are your Compassionate Buddha points and within 10 seconds of pressing them, you start noticing your heart soften and your nature become more childlike and innocent again.
6. Visualise universal love
To neutralise the anger and transform it into kindness for all, imagine a small hole in the dead centre of your breastbone. Visualise breathing in and out directly through the hole. After a few breaths you’ll notice a pleasant, subtle tingling there. Tell yourself each time you inhale, you’re drawing in the subtle essence of love from all parts of the universe. Imagine this neutralising any active or latent hatred in your heart and transmuting it into love. Then imagine as you exhale, you’re transmitting that love to everyone in the world.
Article by
Barefoot Doctor
Tao Master
Barefoot Doctor is a leading tao master and has written numerous books including the cult classic Handbook for the Urban Warrior. His latest book is called The Man Who Drove...
Discover more
Article by
Barefoot Doctor
Tao Master
Barefoot Doctor is a leading tao master and has written numerous books including the cult classic Handbook for the Urban Warrior. His latest book is called The Man Who Drove...
Discover more
By Barefoot Doctor
By Barefoot Doctor 
