Wellbeing

On the couch: Are you a people pleaser?

Top psychologist Dr Nicola Davies introduces everyone’s go-to assistant

Meet the people pleaser, the proverbial ‘doormat’ or pushover. Their deep-seated insecurity and low self-esteem make them very compliant and easy targets to use or abuse in relationships. Since they lack a solid sense of self-worth, they are always looking to attract favourable attention by easily complying with other people’s demands. They have six main characterstics:

Negatives
When meeting, working or living with people pleasers, be on the lookout for the following:
Positives
It isn’t all bad, however:
So how do I deal with a people pleaser?
People pleasers will expect you to take the lead and make all the decisions in a relationship. Over time this can drain your resources, turning your former willingness to play the leading role into resentment. Trying to avoid them will be hurtful and could cause their already brittle sense of self to crumble. Like with most ingrained, inflexible personality patterns, the key to dealing with people pleasers is patience – and lots of it! Slowly allow the people pleasers in your life the space to assert themselves, express their own thoughts and feelings, and make autonomous decisions.

Eager to agree with others – they fear disapproval or not fitting in, so tend to go along with others’ requests without question.

Can’t say no or set limits – as a result, people pleasers are often fatigued from running never-ending errands or taking on the workload of colleagues.

Inability to make independent decisions – they have little belief in themselves, leaving decision-making to others.

Low self-esteem – they constantly need others to make them feel worthy, and will do almost anything to make others like and approve of them.

Fear of abandonment – they fear that they will be left by loved ones if they don’t bow down to every demand.

Easily disappointed – the slightest criticism or feeling that they have let someone down can actually lead them to depression.

They are reluctant to take responsibility for decisions and don’t do well in leadership roles.

They have a tendency to mistrust genuine praise or feedback.

They are unable to set and follow through on personal goals.

They find it difficult to relax and need to keep busy to feel worthwhile.

They are often resentful or withdrawn for allowing others to walk all over them

They are hyper-alert to even the slightest of criticisms.

If you’re under pressure and need help to get a lot of things done in a short space of time, people pleasers can be relied on.

They will carry out tasks to the letter, and not question you.

With clear guidelines, they carry out every task to the best of their ability.

Eager to agree with others – they fear disapproval or not fitting in, so tend to go along with others’ requests without question.
Can’t say no or set limits – as a result, people pleasers are often fatigued from running never-ending errands or taking on the workload of colleagues.
Inability to make independent decisions – they have little belief in themselves, leaving decision-making to others.
Low self-esteem – they constantly need others to make them feel worthy, and will do almost anything to make others like and approve of them.
Fear of abandonment – they fear that they will be left by loved ones if they don’t bow down to every demand.
Easily disappointed – the slightest criticism or feeling that they have let someone down can actually lead them to depression.

Negatives
When meeting, working or living with people pleasers, be on the lookout for the following:

They are reluctant to take responsibility for decisions and don’t do well in leadership roles.
They have a tendency to mistrust genuine praise or feedback.
They are unable to set and follow through on personal goals.
They find it difficult to relax and need to keep busy to feel worthwhile.
They are often resentful or withdrawn for allowing others to walk all over them
They are hyper-alert to even the slightest of criticisms.

Positives
It isn’t all bad, however:

If you’re under pressure and need help to get a lot of things done in a short space of time, people pleasers can be relied on.
They will carry out tasks to the letter, and not question you.
With clear guidelines, they carry out every task to the best of their ability.

So how do I deal with a people pleaser?
People pleasers will expect you to take the lead and make all the decisions in a relationship. Over time this can drain your resources, turning your former willingness to play the leading role into resentment. Trying to avoid them will be hurtful and could cause their already brittle sense of self to crumble. Like with most ingrained, inflexible personality patterns, the key to dealing with people pleasers is patience – and lots of it! Slowly allow the people pleasers in your life the space to assert themselves, express their own thoughts and feelings, and make autonomous decisions.

Article by

Dr Nicola Davies

Psychologist