Holistic healing

Relationships: What’s he thinking?

Ever wonder why he doesn’t answer your messages? Jini Reddy claims she knows what’s going on in men’s heads

Ever wonder why he doesn’t answer your messages? Jini Reddy claims she knows what’s going on in men’s heads
It doesn’t matter if we’re married or single – but especially if we’re single – we all want to know what men are really thinking.

From commitment and sex to those unanswered texts and the size of a woman’s hips – what exactly is whirring through their minds? “So why not just ask us?” said one friend innocently (though, wouldn’t you know, he shied away from sharing his views). But, okay, I thought, why not?

Well, after approaching a few likely candidates, I realise now ‘why not’! Men can be surprisingly prickly creatures, and my – admittedly slightly provocative – questions(‘Do you lot really care about foreplay?’) seemed, shall we say, to strike a nerve. The first few dodged answers, baulked, denied, told me my questions were ridiculous. As one put it, he felt as though he were “walking into a feminist bear pit full of women who had recently been jilted by idiot men.” Another who declined to contribute said huffily: “Your questions are clearly focused towards the behaviour of a certain type of man and one that I am not that familiar with.” Dear, dear.

Commitment choices

Was I being too critical in my probings? I think not. The fact is the questions on my ‘what are you thinking?’ list were those my positive, bright, fun, sexy, life-loving, chip-free – and mostly single – female friends of all ages were eager to find out the answers too.

Especially where commitment is concerned. So let’s plunge in here, with a caveat: yes, there are plenty of men in exclusive, caring relationships, But anecdotal research (see girlfriends, above) tells me that commitment is something many men appear to shy away from. Why is that so? Dave Cornthwaite, 33, a man who has dated 100 women in 100 days (still single and looking for love, by the way, if you’re interested) and has written a book about it, the aptly named Date: Confessions of a Temporary Serial Dater (£9.45 from davecornthwaite.com) seemed a good person to ask. “We live in a world where opportunities and temptations are so much more available to all of us, and when it comes to finding a partner, we’re more aware of our ability to be picky. Deciding not to settle for second best shouldn’t be confused with a fear of commitment. We all deserve the best possible partner we can find,” he says.

Keeping options open

A friend, 46-year-old Tim Hill, a former captain in the Royal Artillery, offered this chewable nugget: “The ideal for men is multiple partners and the ability to change at any time. There isn’t really any obvious benefit to commitment – and a lot to lose. Remember, men don’t dream of getting married. Hence, Disney princesses are popular with girls, but boys never dream of being a prince and marrying a princess. James Bond doesn’t marry the girl at the end, he just gives her a good seeing too. He wouldn’t return her calls afterwards, as he’d be on his next mission and scoring with another female spy.”

Tim, incidentally, has been happily married for the past 12 years, which just goes to show that when it’s meant to be, even a man who’s addicted to the chase can see the error of his ways.

Moving on, why is it that a man – some men, oops – can enthusiastically sleep with a woman he knows he’ll never want to sleep with again? Dating and relationship expert Matthew Hussey of gettheguy.co.uk says (sadly, as we suspect) that it’s because they’re hardwired this way: “Men are able to enjoy sex with a woman they have no emotional connection with. Although some women can do this, very few choose to. Men can be totally physically turned on by a woman even if they don’t know them at all. Hey, some men can be enthusiastic about having sex with women whose personalities they can’t stand. This is why sex isn’t enough to keep a man coming back in the long term. Men make separations in their heads about girls they think they would only sleep with, and girls they would want to have a relationship with.”

But take heart from the words of author Dave Cornthwaite: “Whichever gender you are, if you find a partner who is willing to go to bed before properly getting to know you, it’s probably natural to assume that they are not looking for a long-term relationship. My advice to any woman wanting to snag a man as their partner: if he’s worth it, and even though the attraction might be undeniable, he won’t be in such a hurry that he feels the need to force sexual contact. If you’re going to develop a healthy relationship, there’s plenty of time to get physical once he’s proved that he’s not driven by one urge.” Good, sound advice there that, sorry to say, too many women ignore at their peril.

Age matters?

Matthew Hussey’s take on age, and whether it matters is pretty cheering: ‘It’s not young women that men are attracted to, it’s youth. Men are scared off by an older woman only if they come across as too serious, or are asking something of him that he is not ready for yet. It’s more about which stage of your life you are both in than the physical age itself. If a woman is sexy she is sexy; there’s no age limit on that.’

Amen to that. Shanta Gyanchand, clearly more attuned to the nuances of gender communication than I, believes we shouldn’t get to caught up in the whole Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus mindset: “The trick to understanding men is to remember that they are simply human beings who are not you,” she says. “There is no magic formula to either understanding them or getting them to act as you wish. We usually spend more time interacting with the idea of what we want from someone else than the person themselves. We are disappointed when we realise they are not the fantasy we made them out to be. If we try to interact with them rather than this idea, the ‘battle of the sexes’ becomes much less confusing.”

True, perhaps, but look at the gaping silence that can meet the text messages and emails we send to men we fancy. As Dave Cornthwaite says: “If we don’t contact you, it means we don’t want anything from you. Being busy isn’t an excuse. If you like someone, you make time to see and communicate with them.”

Contrast his reply to Shanta’s: “It may mean they are thinking about the answer, are busy, or simply don’t think it is important to answer it immediately. Men don’t always communicate at the same speed or urgency as women do.

”Now, don’t those two replies, side by side, tell you everything you need to know about the eternal male/female divide?

Foreplay – does it matter?

Another question most of us want to know is ‘do men truly enjoy it?’ – because it can feel as though they’re eager to sprint to the finish line. Matthew Hussey certainly thinks they do: “Men love foreplay. We men get unbelievable amounts of pleasure from seeing you turned on. For us, the pleasure in foreplay is watching you lose control and become unable to resist us. Make sure a man knows how much he’s turning you on, or how you love it when he rubs your shoulders, neck etc,” says Matthew Hussey.

The question netted several replies along those lines, and for good measure I also put it to female psychosexual and relationship therapist Shanta Gyanchand (thelondontherapist.com) “Most men do enjoy foreplay, but while women like to savour the ‘yearning’ for intercourse men have a stronger urge to fullfill it. It is also helpful to remember that men may not want long periods of staying aroused before sex because they fear that means they won’t last very long,” she says, interestingly.

A question of size

Do men really care if we can squeeze into those skinny jeans?

When it comes to size – ours, not theirs, that is – do men care, as much as we seem to think they do? We must think so, surely, otherwise so many of us wouldn’t be on a perpetual diet.

Says Matthew Hussey: “I have never met a man who finds size zero sexy. Most of the women who come up on men’s most desired lists are women with full curvaceous figures such as Christina Hendricks and Scarlett Johansson. Supermodels may be idolised by women, but men aren’t really bothered. In fact ‘men aren’t really bothered’ is the best answer for it really. Men don’t go around thinking about the kind of body type they like on a woman. You might find a guy who one day says he likes petite, slim girls and then next week shows up with a buxom blonde.”

He adds: “Being sexy is not body-specific! In order to drive a man crazy it doesn’t matter what physical assets you possess. I don’t say this to be kind or placate your body fears, I say it because it’s the truth. We’re not fussed, end of story. As long as she loves her body we will find it the sexiest thing imaginable. That’s the cruicial point: she has to love her body. That’s what sexy is.”

Dave Cornthwaite says that it is a healthy body that he finds most attractive: “We all have our tastes, but I think there’s a perennial confusion exacerbated by the media between healthy, and size. Personally, I’m attracted to women who are healthy, enjoy exercise and looking after themselves. They tend to be happier, and I like a happy partner! Women shouldn’t worry about what a man thinks, we’re not asking you to. Eat according to what diet will make you happiest!’