Would you like to feel more relaxed, more in control of your life and better able to manage the unexpected? After the uncertainty of the past 18 months, there’s never been a better time to turn our attention to self-care practices that enable us to live with confidence, joy and success, especially as we re-establish our pre-pandemic routines and find ease and comfort in everyday activities once more. “Nourishing practices help us cope with the inevitable stresses of everyday life,” says Suzy Reading, psychologist and author of And Breathe (Aster, £12.99). “They help us cope in the moment and restore in the aftermath of a big emotion or challenging life experience.”
If you use them consciously, self-help therapies can go even further too, helping you feel better prepared for events you haven’t yet encountered – whether that be a conflict at work, an issue that develops in your relationship, or even negotiating the challenges you may face when deciding to change career. “Self-care gives you a protective buffer,” explains Reading. “If you’ve taken time to fill your cup, that will help you respond a little bit more compassionately to life as it unfolds.”
Finding your flow
How you take care of yourself with self-help therapies won’t just advance your own self development, it can also benefit others in your life. “If you think about any quality that you want to weave into your day or that you want to model for your kids, for example, you’re more likely to have access to that when you’ve taken care of yourself first,” explains Reading. There’s been an explosion of interest in self-care and self-help therapies recently, so how do you decide which approach is best for you? Different techniques work for different people, and different methods work in different moments. You may find working with your breath throughout the day sustains and nourishes you, or maybe expressing your gratitude to others give you a deeper sense of calm or contentment. Even changing the way you refer to yourself in a pep talk can make all the difference. “Science has shown that if you talk to yourself saying ‘you’ or ‘I’ [as in “I really must get more organised” or “I shouldn’t have said that”], you naturally create more punitive self-talk,” Reading explains. “Whereas, if you refer to yourself by a pet name such as ‘sweetheart’ or ‘darling’, you actually garner more kindness in your dialogue.”
If you’re concerned about being too busy or stressed to find time to fit in a self-help therapy, you probably need it even more. “For people who are always on the go and find it hard to say ‘no’ or take time for themselves, practices such as journaling allows them to notice what’s going on internally – emotionally and mentally – and take the chance to be curious, joyful or more intentional about the track they are on,” says chartered psychologist and author Monica Franke (cliniconthegreen.com ). “Introspective people may find it brings a new meaning and way to express themselves without feeling they have to change their core nature.” Want to discover how self-help practices can support you? Read on for five ways to find inner calm and understand your true nature.
Journaling
Why do it? Journaling is a great way to get your brain to move from the ruminating, often fearful, amygdala region to the reality-conscious and expressive pre-frontal cortex,” explains Franke. It can be as easy as grabbing a blank notebook, making two or three headings – say intentions for the week, things to be thankful for, or emotions that arise at work and play – and committing to a time of day or day in the week to sit down, reflect and write. “Putting your emotions into words directly puts you back in the driving seat of those emotions,” adds Franke. “Journaling also allows you to actively make time for yourself as an important feature of your own world.”
Try this: The ME2ME Wellbeing Journal by Monica Franke; a companion on the path to change, drawing on the science of motivation and tools of psychotherapy to help you understand your own internal process and set new intentions.
Dream analysis
Why do it? Originally developed by Freud as a means of accessing the unconscious mind, dream analysis has also been used in other contexts, including CBT and Jungian therapy. It’s slightly contentious, however, as research is limited and some sources believe dreams are simply biological phenomena. That said, if you resonate strongly with the content of a dream, reflecting on it can be helpful.
Try this: Keep a journal next to your bed and the moment you wake up – even if it’s in the middle of the night – write down what you recall of your dream. Then, when convenient, chartered psychologist Dr Audrey Tang suggests the following. “Think about whether the images represent a situation in your life that you need to address – for example, if you dream about being gagged or kidnapped, is it that you feel someone is holding you back or that you are not being able to voice yourself authentically? If you dream about being chased, what worries are playing on you that you can address, or if you dream about chasing something, is there something you are hoping for which maybe needs some focus?”
Time line therapy
Why do it? “In neurolinguistic therapy (NLP), time lines help you understand how you process time and what that means in terms of understanding yourself,” says Tang. “They can also help you uncover when limiting beliefs may have been set down and, potentially, change them.”
Try this: Think of a ‘rule’ or limiting belief that isn’t helpful to you, such as ‘I’m not good enough’. See if you can identify when it was laid down. (Tang suggests asking yourself: How old were you? What happened? Where did it happen on your life’s time line?) Reflect on memory and how you interpreted the event. “Now look at the rule again,” says Tang. “Using NLP’s meta-model questioning, challenge that rule, asking: “What evidence is there that it is STILL true? What is a healthier thought to have?” Write down the healthier thought, then return to the place in the time line, reflect on yourself in that incident but with the healthier thought you have created. Think about that healthier thought with this new insight and understanding, and leave the thought there.”
Mindfulness
Why do it? “Mindfulness allows you to step back, so you feel less at the mercy of your thoughts and feelings. It also forms the ground work for several other self-care strategies,” says Reading. As a foundational skill, mindfulness enhances other techniques such as working with your breath, diving into self-reflection and practising gratitude, as well as being a self-help practice in its own right.
Try this: There are many formal mindful practices, such as the body scan or walking meditation, but you can also incorporate mini moments of mindfulness into your day. One we especially like from Vietnamese monk Thich Naht Hahn is to pause and tune inwards each time you see a specific object or colour. Use it as a reminder to reconnect to your breath, becoming aware of any unnecessary tension in your body or any persistent thoughts, then come back to the present moment and connect with what is real for you right now.
Breathwork
Why do it? Lengthening the exhalation has been shown to calm the nervous system, so try breathing in for a count of four and out for a count of eight if you’re feeling stressed. Or, aim for six breaths a minute, which research shows is optimum for calming the mind. Alternatively, download the Prana Breath app, which has simple guided practices with visual cues designed to relax, beat stress, empower, clear your mind and more.
Try this: Sometimes, working with the breath on its own can make you feel anxious or amplify concerns. “A very simple way to begin working with the breath if it’s new to you or increases your anxiety is to pair your breath with movement,” says Reading. “Try putting your fingertips on your shoulders and sweeping your elbows forwards and up (without raising your shoulders) on the in-breath, then take them back and down as you breathe out. This is designed to balance you.”
