Holistic healing

The love clinic: name your desire

By Mike Lousada

Do you find yourself feeling bored or frustrated with the type of sex you are having with your partner? Asking for what you want can help you turn things around.

Do you find yourself feeling bored or frustrated with the type of sex you are having with your partner? Asking for what you want can help you turn things around.

For women to name their desires can feel awkward and embarrassing, but I want to encourage you all to do just that. Good sex is about merging – when two become one. To do this requires communication. Some of that communication is non-verbal of course, but if you’re getting stuck or not enjoying sex then maybe your partner just isn’t doing what turns you on.

Men often feel a lot of performance anxiety during sex – not only from their capacity to perform themselves but also in how they can pleasure their partner. Every woman is uniquely and wonderfully different, so no matter how experienced we are in love-making, it can be difficult to know exactly what a woman wants unless she takes time to communicate this to us.

Make sound – this is going to tell him if he’s doing a good job or not. We tend to interpret moaning during sex as the sounds of pleasure, so if you’re enjoying what he’s doing, then let him know with some noises of delight – but don’t fake it. That’s just going to leave you feeling frustrated and unfulfilled.

Secondly, tell him what you want. If you don’t ask, you probably won’t get. When giving feedback to your partner, be encouraging about it. Make them feel like a superhero in bed. Try “what you’re doing is great, but I’d like it even more if you….” This makes them feel as though they’re already doing a good job, and you just told them how to be even better. We men are simple creatures; we like to know what we’re supposed to be doing and receive clear instructions when we’re confused or in doubt. Far from being disempowering, it can be a huge relief for a man to hear what his woman wants, sexually. He can relax, knowing he doesn’t have to guess any more.

Make a game out of it. Take turns in telling each other how you’d like to be touched. “I would like you to….stroke my hair/caress my breasts without touching the nipples/rub my back”. Give him the chance to say if that feels okay for him or not and then spend some time just receiving that touch. When you’re done, swap round. Invite him to ask for what he wants and make sure that feels okay for you before proceeding. If it doesn’t, let him know that you’d rather not do that right now, perhaps it would feel okay later, and invite him to ask for something else.

Remember the touch doesn’t have to be overtly sexual. Sensual touch, such as stroking your hair or your back can be very arousing without feeling the pressure of needing to be sexual. You can build up to more sexual touch if the mood moves that way… and the tension created by waiting and not rushing into being sexual can be very arousing.

So however you do it, make sure you communicate your desires during sex. This is the best way to ensure that you get your desires met.

Article by

Mike Lousada

Psychosexual Therapist

Pioneering hands-on sex and relationship therapist, with high profile client base and supporters, including feminist spokesperson, Naomi Wolf

Article by

Mike Lousada

Psychosexual Therapist

Pioneering hands-on sex and relationship therapist, with high profile client base and supporters, including feminist spokesperson, Naomi Wolf