Wellbeing

The art of self-care

Give yourself the love you deserve to achieve the life of your dreams says top author and life coach Cheryl Richardson

Give yourself the love you deserve to achieve the life of your dreams says top author and life coach Cheryl Richardson

Over the years I’ve repeatedly had to defend the concept of making self-care a priority. Now I welcome the opportunity, and here’s why: the practice of extreme self-care forces us to make choices and decisions that honour and reflect the true nature of our soul.

While the whole notion of this might seem selfish or self-centered, doing so actually allows us to make our greatest contribution to the world. The choice to live a life that reflects the tenets of extreme self-care is critical if we want to make a difference in the world… and most people I know do.

From years of personal experience, as well as from the work I’ve done coaching many caring and hardworking men and women, I’ve learned that when we care for ourselves deeply and deliberately, we naturally begin to care for others – our families, our friends, and the world – in a healthier and more effective way. We become conscious and conscientious people. We tell the truth. We make choices from a place of love and compassion instead of guilt and obligation. And we finally begin to understand, on a visceral level, that we’re all connected, and that our individual actions affect the greater whole in a more profound way than we could ever have imagined.

Stop overgiving

I’ve come to learn that overgiving is often a sign of deprivation – a signal that a need isn’t being met, an emotion isn’t being expressed, or a void isn’t getting filled. For example, while you might dedicate hours to coordinating the family’s social calendar, you may be yearning for deeper and more meaningful connections, stimulating conversation, or greater intimacy with yourself.

You might be available and generous with others because on some level you have an unconscious desire to get what you give, whether it’s acknowledgment, affection, recognition, or support.

Becoming aware of how and why you feel deprived can be a key to recognising what needs to shift emotionally and physically to achieve extreme self-care. In what ways are you starving yourself of what you need to live a rich and fulfilling life?

Since awareness itself inspires change, I’d like to challenge you to spend the next 30 days becoming skilled at seeing the ways, big and small, that you deprive yourself of what you need. Rather than feel like a victim to something outside of yourself, when you realise that you alone are responsible for overgiving, you can actually empower yourself to do something about it. After all, no one else says yes, overbook your schedule, or makes the needs of others a priority but you. The gift in owning this reality is that you own the power to change it, too.

Change your thinking

To get an idea of what I mean, let’s look at some common complaints and what they really mean:

When you catch yourself saying things such as: “I never have time to do what I want to do,” what you’re really saying is: “I don’t take time for my needs.”

When you insist: “I always end up doing everything myself,” the truth of what you’re really saying is: “I don’t ask for help.”

When you hear yourself complaining: “No one appreciates the things I do,” what you most likely mean is: “I take on way too much, hoping that some one will notice and tell me how good I am or how grateful they are.”

And finally, when you use the excuse: “My kids take up all of my time,” what you actually need to admit is: “I’ve chosen to make my children’s needs more of a priority than my own.”

Get the idea? The choices you make either honour your extreme self-care or they leave you feeling deprived. I’m afraid it’s really that simple.

Now it’s your turn. This challenge is a call to consciousness – becoming more keenly aware of how, why, and where you feel deprived. For this exercise, I’d like you to buy a little notebook, one that will fit into your handbag or pocket. Then, every day this month, whenever you feel overwhelmed, frustrated, burdened, or resentful, stop and ask yourself:

Where do I feel deprived?
What do I need more of right now?
What do I need less of?
What am I yearning for?
Who or what is causing me to feel resentful and why?
What am I starving for?

Your answers to these questions will help you identify the areas of your life that are calling for greater consciousness, an increase in your awareness of what needs to change to keep you from feeling deprived.

When you’re doing this exercise, it’s important that you’re specific about your needs. So instead of writing: “I feel deprived because I have no time to myself,” for instance, you might say: “I feel deprived of solitary, uninterrupted time away from my children and husband, which allows me to do something just for me, such as read a good novel, have lunch with a friend, or take a quiet bath.” Being introspective and taking time to arrive at your answers thoughtfully will allow you to gain greater clarity about what your soul needs most to no longer feel deprived.

Be detailed

Instead of acknowledging that you need ‘to eat better’, you may recall how particular foods make you feel, and recognise that you have more energy when you avoid meat or dairy products and consume more vegetables.
Rather than just saying that you need‘fresh air’, you might feel called to take‘a brisk walk in nature every day in a place where I can breathe deep, feel a peace, and take in the surrounding beauty’.
Instead of simply realising that you ‘need help from others’, be clear about the kind of help you need by jotting down something like: ‘I need someone to do the laundry every week, get the lawn mowed when I’m not around, and do some of the grocery shopping.’
And rather than noting that you’re ‘tired of directing staff meetings at work’, you could write: ‘I need someone to run the staff meeting on Mondays, take notes, and then distribute them to the appropriate people’.

Other needs you find yourself writing about might involve:

Getting more (or better) sleep
Developing a creative outlet
Creating soul-nourishing friendships
Considering ways to have more fun and/or adventure
Identifying and seeking pleasurable activities and experiences
Finding soul-nourishing space at home or at work

Becoming aware of how you experience deprivation in your life is critical to making the changes required to achieve optimal wellness and happiness. Keep your inner antenna finely tuned to what you need.

Adapted from Cheryl’s book The Art of Extreme Self-Care: Transform Your Life One Month at a Time (£10.99, Hay House)