We all enter our relationships with great hopes and the best of intentions – and yet we often find ourselves getting bogged down in arguments, disappointments, possessiveness and other relationship pitfalls.
We all enter our relationships with great hopes and the best of intentions – and yet we often find ourselves getting bogged down in arguments, disappointments, possessiveness and other relationship pitfalls.
The love that was there in the beginning so often gets trampled under by each person’s frustrated expectations. It’s not that we can avoid these pitfalls. Everyone will experience their share of frustration, insecurity, possessiveness and so on during the course of a relationship; this is part of our human nature. The problem is that we have not been shown how to deal with these things effectively.
Our way of dealing with difficulties often makes things worse. Rather than taking responsibility for our side of the story, we blame the other person. We don’t want to be seen as being in the wrong. We often approach love with unrealistic expectations.
How can we deal with relationship difficulties effectively? The first thing is to recognise that difficulties are not a problem – they are actually one of the reasons why you have come together. Why do we enter a relationship with another person? On the one hand, we do so for companionship and mutual support. Yet there is a deeper reason that we often overlook. We are there to learn some lessons. We are there to discover how to reach our full potential.
To get the full benefit of the challenging times, the first thing you need to do is stop blaming the other person for the difficulties, and take responsibility for your part in them. Even if they are behaving selfishly or unconsciously, you have to be aware of how you then choose to react to
their behaviour. Your reaction of anger or judgement or possessiveness is your responsibility. By taking this responsibility for your own reactions, you cease to be a victim of someone else’s behaviour. You empower yourself, and create the possibility of changing the dynamics of the relationship.
Fortunately, there is an easy, three-step method by which we can transform those negative aspects of ourselves into something really positive. I call it the three As – awareness, acceptance and affirmation.
1 AWARENESS
When anger or jealousy arise in us, the first thing is to be aware of them. When we are not aware, we tend to make the other person responsible for how we feel. We blame them for making us feel bad. We start demanding that they change.
We need to stop these demands and ask ourselves ‘What is the emotion that is driving them?’ We then just feel what is happening in the body. We don’t try to figure out or analyse what the emotion must be. The body will tell us what it is as a felt experience – maybe anger or insecurity or jealousy.
An example of this comes from a couple I saw recently. The husband was often home late from work. His wife resented this. Whenever he got home late, she would berate him. She started accusing him of not caring about her or the family. She felt quite justified in taking this stance. It seemed to her to be a rational one. As a result, her husband found himself increasingly reluctant to go home, because of the criticism that awaited him. He found more and more excuses to be late.
During counselling, I asked her to change her focus from his lateness to her feelings about it. It took her a while to get this. At first she blamed him for making her feel bad. When she eventually started to identify her feelings, she noticed that, underlying her anger and resentment, there was a sense of insecurity in herself. Her accusations and anger towards her husband were based on an effort to control him, and to avoid feeling her own insecurity. Far from being rational, her stance was very much emotionally based. When she could see and accept this, the focus came back to dealing with her own insecurity about herself, rather than the efforts to control him.
2 ACCEPTANCE
After becoming aware of the emotion, the next step is to accept it. Feel the feeling, and just accept that in this moment you are insecure or jealous or whatever. Don’t try to change it, or even wish that it was different. Simply be with the negative emotion, and just experience it as a feeling in your body. Get to know the feelings and thoughts of anger and jealousy. If the anger is strong, allow it to be released from your body.
You can do this by allowing yourself to fume inside, feeling the sensation of anger burning through you. At the same time, glare the emotion out through your eyes. If you need to, release it physically by hitting a cushion or shouting. By doing this, you will find that after some time, the emotion will subside, and you will be free of it. With the emotion no longer driving your thoughts and behaviour, you are ready to move on to the third step – affirmation.
3 AFFIRMATIONS
Make some positive affirmations to change your old way of thinking. Affirmations are positive statements you make to yourself, to re-programme your thought patterns. They are very effective in changing the subconscious thoughts that drive our negative emotional reactions. Repeat them three to four times per day, for two to three weeks. The following are some affirmations which, if repeated, will counteract various negative emotional states.
Anger: I understand and accept the other person. I feel compassion for him/her. I no longer blame them for the way I feel.
Jealousy and insecurity: I love myself. I am loveable. The universe is abundant, and always gives me what I need. I rejoice in other people’s happiness.
Possessiveness: I recognise and respect other people’s freedom to be themselves, and to follow their own destiny. I give up thinking that I have a right to control them.
Fear and insecurity: I trust that life and the universe are always taking care of me. I now relax and trust in the benevolence of the universe. I feel myself being supported by life. I find my own joy in life.
Mistrust and suspicion: I recognise that people are always doing what they need to do. I see others’ actions with eyes of innocence, goodwill and trust.
Article by
Frank Vilaasa
Relationship Counsellor
Frank Vilaasa is a relationship counsellor, author, healer and meditation teacher who has practised healing,psychotherapy and relationship counselling in the UK, Australia and Asia.
Discover more
Article by
Frank Vilaasa
Relationship Counsellor
Frank Vilaasa is a relationship counsellor, author, healer and meditation teacher who has practised healing,psychotherapy and relationship counselling in the UK, Australia and Asia.
Discover more
By Frank Vilaasa
