Wellbeing

How to be less judgemental and more positive

Replace negative judgement with positivity

“It’s so easy to judge and so hard to stop being judgemental,” says life coach Olga Levancuka (olgalevancuka.com). “We judge the food we eat, the books we read, programmes we watch, places we go to and, especially, people – people we know well, people we barely know and people we don’t know at all.” We know it doesn’t make us feel good but, for some reason, we keep doing it. So, how do we break the cycle?

Why do we judge?

Firstly, we need to understand what triggers us to judge other people. “We get a quick hit of self-righteousness when we judge others,” says author and speaker Gabrielle Berstein, in her book Judgement Detox. “It’s a reliable little crutch when we feel hurt, insecure or vulnerable. Our judgement toward others seems to make us feel better than them – smarter, savvier, more enlighteneed, healthier, or wealthier.” Gabby defines judgement as a ‘separation from love’, and when we cast our negative gaze on others we couldn’t be further from our natural, loving state. Judging other people never really makes us feel good, and there is much more to be gained from a positive interaction rather than a judgemental assumption.

See their point of view

“When evaluating someone else’s actions or personality, it is crucial that you understand where they are coming from, the same way you would do for one of your actions,” says Olga. “There’s always a range of factors that affect a person’s behaviour: their perspective, history, and experiences. Try to remind yourself that we don’t all have the same experiences, and think what it would be like if you were in the other person’s position.” Often, when we look unkindly on another person, it is actually because we are reminded of our own flaws. “When we judge others, we’re really judging a disowned part of our own shadow,” says Gabby. “Whatever we resent or dislike in another person is a reflection of something we dislike in ourselves, or a representation of a deep wound we’re unwilling to heal.”

Look for the positive

It’s important to be able to witness your own judgement, explains Gabby. “Judgement made me feel weak, sad and disconnected,” she says. “Once I was able to step away from the judgement and see how it made me feel, I could truly understand how much it was blocking my happiness.” Once you become aware of when you judge, you can begin to flip the process on its head. “Judgements are usually negative but there is almost always something positive you can find in someone instead,” says Olga. “If you push your thoughts in a more positive direction, you can change your overall attitude and mindset.”

How would you feel?

When you’ve learnt to catch yourself as you’re about to judge someone, reinforce the action by turning the tables. “Remember how bad it feels to be judged yourself and then think about why you are choosing to put someone else through it,” says Olga. “Keeping in mind someone’s emotions, and the impact your behaviour has on them, will help you focus on yourself and enjoy life, instead of spending it thinking negatively about others.” Reminding yourself that we are all human can really help you to do this. “We’re all in it together,” says Gabby. “We all suffer, we all feel unworthy and abandoned. But identifying sameness in one another allows us to shift our focus from separation back to love. We share the thought system of fear and we share the loving mind. We share the same capacity to choose love over fear.”

Stop gossiping

We often talk about other people when we are in a groups, with our friends or colleagues. The security of a pack, the want or need for acceptance yourself, or simply wanting to have something to say, can see us making jokes at other people’s expense. “It’s so tempting to join in with gossip, and an easy way to bond with someone is by judging another’s outfit, haircut or body,” says Olga. “Try and restrain yourself from this behaviour. You don’t have to make a big announcement about it, and you don’t need to preach to your friends, just don’t say anything at all. Remove yourself from the situation if you can’t hold back from joining in.”

One step at a time

“Many of us don’t always realise that we are thinking or being derogatory. If you have a genuine desire to become less judgemental and change your long-term behaviour then take small steps,” advises Olga. “Start noticing the thoughts you have about others, then consider why you might have had those thoughts in that moment. Were you feeling insecure, angry or tired? The sooner you identify these thoughts, and the true reasons behind them, the easier you can deal with them. Pay attention to the language you use and avoid using words that are overtly negative, condescending or critical, and focus on being nurturing if you’re giving advice.” Once you start to resolve these behaviours, the benefits are huge. “Petty resentments will disappear, compassion will replace attack, and you’ll feel more peace and happiness than you’ve ever known,” says Gabby.