Natural Living

Relationships: Holistic self-help to boost your love life

A monthly look at the world of love, friendship,sex and relationships

Must Try Harder!

New research suggests we need to up the ante when it comes to romance in the bedroom. A study of 2,000 couples found a uarter cannot bear their partner touching them while they are sleeping and that 54 percent turn away and sleep with their back to their lover in a bid to get a good night’s sleep.And it’s not just cuddling that’s off the agenda as researchers for Travelodge found 90 per cent of couples don’t say ‘I love you’ before turning out the lights while eight in ten couples don’t kiss before nodding off!

Brain Drain

If it’s not awful enough as it is, bad company can also affect your brain capacity, US scientists have found. In a study at the University of California,researchers split the men into two groups – half were presented as neo-Nazis, with the aim of making them disliked, the others were presented as likable and open-minded. When the men viewed someone they disliked, the part of their brain that was otherwise activated in ‘mirroring’ — the right ventral premotor cortex — had a different pattern of activity for the disliked individuals compared to the likeable ones.

The Music of Love

It seems that we’re not the only one to use music to woo our loved ones Recent research has found that male mice use high-pitched love songs to woo females, and even change their tune when there is competition around. The findings suggest mice can mimic and learn complex calls and sounds. This ability, known as local learning, had been thought to be limited to humans,as well as some birds, dolphins,whales, bats, elephants, sealions and seals.

Social Stress

A recent study conducted at Brunel University has found that Facebook users are risking psychological damage from using the site to spy on former flames.Researchers found that those who remained Facebook ‘friends’ with an ex experience more distress and took longer to move on compared with those who immediately clicked ‘unfriend’.Leader of the research, Dr Marshall, says: “Overall,these findings suggest that exposure to an ex-partner through Facebook may obstruct the process of healing after a relationship.”

The Love Clinic

This month, the UK’s top psychosexual healer on the secret of a good relationship

Thousands of books and millions of words have been written on love.Sometimes it can seem overwhelming when we consider different approaches, styles and advice on how to have a good relationship.However, I would like to share a secret with you, the secret of a good relationship. I can reduce all the complexities of intimacy into one word: honesty!

In order to be intimate with someone we need to be authentic. There is a corny new age saying which goes“Intimacy means ‘into me you see’”. It’s hackneyed, it’s trite,but there is also truth in it.

In order to be intimate with someone we need to let them in, to allow them to see us, to let them see who we really are.Problems usually arise in relationship when we enact avoidant behaviours which stop the other person from seeing what we are feeling or what is really going on for us.

Sometimes we might like to run away from intimacy because we feel unworthy or are afraid of being judged.Sometimes we may react with anger when we feel powerless.We may adjust our behaviour to suit the insecurities of others,fearing that if we don’t the other will reject or abandon us.Whatever our patterns of behaviour, the more authentic we can be with ourselves and with another, the greater the chance we have of being accepted.

This ability to show ones self to another is a key factor in successful relationships. When our sense of who we are comes from the approval of others, we risk losing ourselves in our relationship. The more we are able to stand up and speak our truth, the stronger our sense of who we are becomes.When we take what may appear as the ‘risk’ of saying how we are feeling, we actually invite the other to accept us. If we do not allow ourselves to take that risk, the other may not know how we feel, they may misinterpret our actions or they may just feel disconnected from us.

When you are sharing how you are feeling, you probably want to be heard. It is important therefore that you speak from your own experience, by taking responsibility for what you say.You are more likely to be heard by saying “I feel angry when you do that” than you are when you say “You make me feel angry”. It’s simple stuff – but powerful and effective and can improve your communication with others significantly.

When you speak authentically about your experience in away which doesn’t blame the other and which takes full responsibility for your own experience, you increase your chances of being heard and you allow yourself to be seen.Remember, the less of yourself to show someone, the less of you is available for them to love. The more of yourself you allow to be seen, the more of yourself you allow to be loved.