Wellbeing

The Shame Game

Certain emotions hold more gravitas than others – here’s how to overcome the feeling of shame when it next affects you

If you’ve ever felt your cheeks heat up, your eyes fall to the ground or a sense of defensiveness brew in your stomach, then you’re probably going through the motions of experiencing shame. At school, I was called quiet because I never put my hand up. It wasn’t that I didn’t know the answer – 90 percent of the time, I did – I just chose not to share it with everyone. At the time, I couldn’t label what it was that stopped me raising my hand. Like a lot of my emotions, it takes a subconscious effort to pull my mind out from under the whirling thoughts, assumptions and insecurities in my head and acknowledge that ‘ah, yes, that’s what I’m currently feeling.’ As I got older, I realised why: the shame of being told that I was incorrect in front of my peers was far more of a threat to my self-esteem than the thrill of potentially being right. Why then, does shame feel so bad? And how can we stop the fear of it being such a barrier in our lives?

Feeling red-faced

“Shame is an intensely painful feeling experience,” explains clinical psychologist Dr Lucy Tinning (drlucytinning.com). “It causes us to become acutely aware of ourselves – almost feeling like we’re in the spotlight – and this can cause us to feel humiliated, exposed, flawed, powerless, trapped and even isolated. Shame makes us feel unworthy of love and belonging.” It’s easy to see then, why the fear of shame holds so much power over us. It triggers a plethora of different emotions that tap into that human instinct of not wanting to be left out or abandoned. “People who have a propensity to feel shame (a trait named shame-proneness) can often have low self-esteem and are at a greater risk of developing other psychological problems such as depression, anxiety, eating disorders, violence, bullying, suicide and addiction.” In a study published in The Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease, it showed that the link between shame and depression was particularly strong.

Shame screens

Shame can not only be uncomfortable, but it is also a huge barrier to achieving our goals and it undermines our confidence. “It’s important to recognise what makes us feel ashamed and what the triggers to shame are,” says Dr Tinning. “Common triggers are appearance and body image, professional identity at work, sexuality, family, motherhood, parenting, mental and physical health, ageing, religion, surviving trauma and speaking out. When we feel shame, we are strongly motivated to get rid of that feeling because it’s so painful.” The symptoms of this emotion can include:

Wanting to disappear – blushing, averting your eyes and burying your head.
Anger – it can feel easier to blame someone else than think you’ve done something wrong. • Self-blame – People can berate themselves for doing something that may be perceived as wrong or unacceptable.
Addiction – to gain some temporary relief from shame, you may use alcohol, drugs, food, sex etc.

“Bestselling author of The Power of Vulnerability Brené Brown refers to these as ‘shame screens’,” says Dr Tinning. “This is where we move against, away from or sometimes even towards shame – they are defence mechanisms we use to protect ourselves from our primal survival response: fight, flight, freeze

Shattering perceptions

“Shame, like most emotions, is a matter of perception,” says Professor Roger Giner-Sorolla, from the department of social psychology at the University of Kent. “Two people who do the same thing – say, eat greedily in public – might feel differently because one person thinks it’s bad for their image and the other person doesn’t. When you feel ashamed of what you’re doing, even if nobody is watching, you have internalised your sense of shame. At its deepest level, this emotion plays on existing inadequacies we believe about ourselves. So, if you have long-standing issues with how your eating behaviour is perceived, based on experiences you had growing up, then you’ll be more prone to feel shame over those actions.” There are four different types of shame that we can experience:

1. Unrequited love

2. Unwanted exposure – being called out on something publicly

3. Disappointment expectation – setting out to do something and failing

4. Exclusion – being left out

Finger on the trigger

“We all feel shame, but feeling too much can be problematic,” says Dr Tinning. Some ways to cope with the emotion include:

Owning our shame and allowing it to dissipate with time is the healthiest way to cope with the emotion. “It’s good to share events that shame us, with others or in therapy,” says Dr Tinning. “Owning our vulnerability and being self aware helps us feel more connected to others. Confession is associated with forgiveness and love, so once we admit our shame and share it, we can realise that (like all intense emotions) it fades over time. This can be explored in therapy or with people we trust, where courage, authenticity, empathy and compassion are present.”
Alter your standards or rules: “Often these have been set by our family in our early years and, if there were high expectations from your caregiver, then the propensity to feel shame will be greater. Knowing this can help us question our expectations of ourselves, where they come from and how helpful they are now we’re a bit older and wiser.”
Avoid the blaming: when you blame an outside source you are avoiding feeling the shame and understanding yourself on a deeper level. “This self-deception is temporary, and for some, this shame is referred to as toxic shame. It’s important to seek professional support such as counselling or therapy to work through this.”

“To build what Brené Brown calls ‘Shame Resilience’ you need to understand your triggers,” says Dr Tinning. “Being aware of them will help you to be less reactive at the moment, and sharing it with someone can feel like a way of owning it. Give yourself a moment to breathe calmly to reduce your stress response – use deep belly breathing or try writing what happened in a journal.” Fighting the feeling of shame can be hard, so understand it and yourself better first, then you can make peace with the emotion.