Holistic healing

Relationships: The scientific reason people can’t let their guard down

We all want love, intimacy and desire in our lives. So why do most of us keep acting in ways which make this so difficult?

We all want love, intimacy and desire in our lives. So why do most of us keep acting in ways which make this so difficult?

In order to allow intimacy in, we need to activate a certain part of our brain in the frontal cortex, especially the vagus nerve. This amazing nerve is linked to the middle ear, which is attuned to respond favourably to the pitch of the adult female voice; it is also connected to the heart, lungs and digestive system. All in all it helps to instruct the body to relax, letting it know that it’s safe to enjoy intimacy. However if we feel unsafe, an older part of our brain gets activated: our limbic system. The limbic system is responsible for the fight or flight reaction, and when this is active it’s almost impossible to allow ourselves to relax into intimacy because our body imagines that there is a threat in our environment. However hard we tell ourselves to relax, the body’s nervous system is tripped into danger mode.

Calm down

So what can we do about it? The answer lies in calming down the nervous system. With practise we can overcome that and re-wire our brains. This helps to calm the nervous system and re-activate that all-important vagus nerve which allows us to experience intimacy. The good news is that our brain can be altered through various practices. People who meditate regularly have more neurons in their vagus nerve than those who don’t, offering neurological proof that meditation helps to keep us calm. If meditation isn’t your thing, don’t despair.

The frontal cortex helps to instruct the body to relax, letting it know it’s safe to enjoy intimacy

When you feel anxious or afraid, try the following:

1. Open your eyes and remind yourself where you really are. Often our brain hijacks us into thinking we’re in an unsafe place when really we’re not.

2. Ground yourself by putting your feet on the floor and focusing your attention on them. This helps to calm you down.

3. Place your palms together and squeeze firmly, releasing the pressure over 10-15 seconds, to calm the nerves.

4. Name the three objects in the room which catch your attention. This reminds your brain where you are and takes you out of the unsafe place which may be in your imagination

5. Remind yourself what day of the week, month and year it is. Ask questions like: Who’s the Prime Minister today? This brings us into the present and away from fearful imaginings.

These techniques are proven to help reduce anxiety, and when we keep calm, we can carry on loving!

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Article by

Mike Lousada

Psychosexual Therapist